This month marks a crazy time for me. It was this month that satan hit me hard with a curveball a few years back. I was knocked off my feet and into a pit I thought I'd long since been out of. I'd gone into the pit many times before, decorating the walls to my liking and fooling myself to think it was home. It took days, months, years to get out of it- but God freed me from the bondage and craziness.
I learned other coping mechanisms, I learned what situations led up to my pit dwelling. Until August. I wish I could say it was the month of my sobriety, but it's not, it's a month that reminds me that satan roams through this earth looking for someone to devour (Job 1:7 and 1 Peter 5:8).
See I think of the verse in Galatians 6:1 "Brothers if someone is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual should restore him gently." Yes this verse is talking about helping our brother or sister in Christ but what I found interesting is the original Greek word for "caught" is prolambano. Literally "overtaken" or "to surprise"
Well that's what happened to me. I was surprised by an old sin with a new face. I was caught off guard, overtaken.
Hit up side the head with a curveball.(and most likely satan plays for a west coast team) anyway...
So as this August rolls around I am looking deeper into my soul. OK so that sounds a little deep, but I am seeking God more, asking Him to search me and lead me in the way everlasting. Putting a check on my actions, thoughts and conversations. Asking God to help keep my eyes open to the ways of satan, to be smart and led by the Holy Spirit in all I do.
So I will leave you with a crazy blip from my old journal, the one I read that prompted this blog.
"I'm so frustrated. I just wanna get wasted. I don't care how. Life is easy to deal with when you're ignoring it. I look over my house and it's thrashed. Day in and day out, laundry, dishes, the floors, oh yuck, the floors.
I'm so not wanting to be a part of my life. Can't someone else do it for awhile?
I'm a mess, a wreck!
How I want to slip back into my old ways. Sometimes it's as if my innards are screaming to be abused. Smoke something, drink something, do something, anything not good.
Die old self. Stay away.
I am frustrated with the lack of what gets done.
I'm a rebel. I need help. God is my help.
My random thoughts drive me nuts, my mind turns over and over as if it's being kneaded like bread.
My life is full, but them again if it wasn't I'd find ways to fill it.
I need a break, I want a maid.
The compromise around me scares me. In an attempt to raise Christian children we expose them to television, commercials, we lie to them about things that are bad for them so they'll stay away.
Help me desire to pray more.
Well that's it. Why I've posted all that I don't know. I guess to expose some of who I am or who I was- although who I was helped form me who I am, so really who I was IS who I am.
I'm sure someone, somewhere is thinking- this girls a mess- and I'm sure my mother is wondering why she handed out my blog address to all her friends.
And although currently the above is not my mindset- I'm still in the need of the maid.
-Michelle
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