Can I Check Out Now?

It really sucks being broke.

Staring two businesses in a 7 month period of time does that to a family.

There are times when I just want to be able to order a pizza or buy a pair of shoes. I don't want to have to think about how my electric bill is going to be paid or wonder how long it'll be before I can have a real night out with my husband. Of course he needs to work under a billion hours a week for that to happen.

It just stinks sometimes. I try to stay positive and for the most part I am. Truly I have learned to lean on God during this time like no other. He is my only source of strength, my provider.

Then there are days like today, weekends like this one when I just want to check out.

Or go back to school and live on student loans, or sell drugs or rob a bank.

I find I also often feel left out at times. Others are doing things together that cost money and here I sit, broke. Yes it could be worse and I know I don't have it bad, but still a small thought crosses the back of my mind.. how is the mortgage going to get paid?

Oh wait, I know- God will take care of it. That's the thing, even when Steve had a killer job and the cash flowed, it wasn't the job that paid the bills or provided- it was God.

It's always God. We just kid ourselves and think it's us, some great job we did. It's always God. Always has been, always wil be.

This whole ordeal has been humbling. I remember sitting in the line for free food when tears started to well up. I took my sunglasses off as not to hide behind them and to make myself stop. Why? How? How did we end up here? Could we have done something different, chosen a better path?

What? Something different? Better path? I can't let myself think this way. We chose to start this business and then another. We chose to make decisions that landed us right here where we are.

All said I believe we're in the middle of God's will for our lives. Smack dab in the middle. That's where the peace come from. So my devil resisting goes on so that he will flee. Afterall this isn't my home, heaven is, and trusting in God requires pressing on when things in my eyes are not as they "should" be.

If you read this and are a Believer in Christ, please pray for me.
Thanks

-Michelle
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