Then Samuel took a stone and set it up between Misphah and Shen. He named it Ebenezar, saying , "Thus far the Lord has helped us." 1 Samuel 7:12

Sunday, November 27, 2016

Fight the Good Fight Michelle

I haven't updated in awhile mostly because I am not sure what to say in my update.

I don't really know what I am doing, so how can I properly share it with you all.
I am cancer free.
I mean no doctor has said it, but I had that pesky tumor removed on April 27th and since then the cancer has been gone.

It's the aftermath that I did not expect.
The aftermath of living with choices, new lifestyles, a changed social life.

My main goal has been to make my body an environment that is not encouraging cancer growth.
Eat lots of raw.
Juice lots.
Budwig protocol,
essiac tea.

Keep my body alkaline and not acidic.
Only drink water.
Not drink coffee.

It can be a lot.

No dairy.
No meat.
Watch the soy, not much if any.
No legumes.
No sugar.

I find I just don't want to eat.
The prepping.
The prepping.
The prepping.

The food battle was one I didn't see coming and probably my biggest struggle.

It is a lot.
My peace begins to slip away...

it slips into the past

I didn't expect this battle in my mind over the past.
I ate too many sweets,
baked too much,
ate out too much,
too much ice cream
and milk
and cereal.
Oh how I loved to drink cows milk, and ceral, I loved cereal. Not anymore.

Then my mind loops to my boys.
I realize I fed all that to my boys.
My grown boys.
For years I did my best at what I knew to feed them.
Was I wrong all those years?

Then I got educated.
What if my lack of knowledge caused health issues with my kids.
Did I fail them?

I did my best.
I didn't know what I know now.
I can't think on the past, it changes nothing; it does no good.

Oh crap!
I just ate a cake pop,
and a piece of pecan pie,
and turkey,
and ... and...

And then after I work through the what I fed my boys saga, I get angry that no one was there to guide me.
Invest in me.
In a sense I was thrown to the wolves.
18, then 21.
Married with two kids. College drop out trying to doing the best for my family.
I always thought I did good, some days I wondered, no some days I convince myself I did them wrong.

Oh this battle in my head.
I call it out for what it is- all lies.
Lies to bring me down. Sadden my spirit. Focus my thoughts on the past.
But, lies.
Lies I know, but that doesn't soften their blow, when the hits come my way.

Then I think about the future... the forever.
Forever I will be a cancer survivor.
Forever I will think about what I put into my mouth, or don't.

So nothing profound.
Nothing to educate you on healthy living.

Nothing because I have nothing much to give these days.
Again, I lift my head and trust in my God who created me and has a plan for me,
a good plan.
May that knowledge,
that truth be enough to sustain me this moment.



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