Then Samuel took a stone and set it up between Misphah and Shen. He named it Ebenezar, saying , "Thus far the Lord has helped us." 1 Samuel 7:12

Sunday, October 02, 2011

I Hate It

I feel bad.

I am a real loving person, or at least I think I am.

I can't help but hurt when I begin to make up a story for the scraggly looking person walking barefoot on the side of the road,
I want to talk with, gently touch and love on the homeless in my neighborhood.

when my sister shows up at church all strung out on drugs I get angered.
I feel very little, if any, compassion.
I feel frustrated,


When others hear her story, see her sick in the bathroom and inform me of her condition I look at them with no emotion;
I shrug my shoulders and shake my head.

"How can you help someone who doesn't want help"

I feel as though it is not our burden to bear anymore.
Not my burden anymore.
Then whose?

We've allowed her to live in our home,
driven her to appointments,
lent her our car,
moved her belongings,

checked her in to rehab-- several times,
supported her recovery,
been her birthing coach,
loved her through her messes.

10 years.
No change.
Same cycle.

What to do?

I am frustrated when I don't see my children or my close friends extend love and yet I am just as guilty--
and I hate it.
Sickened by it.

I want to reach out to her,
I've just seen this section of her path many times before;
I've seen where it leads.

Empty plans.
Unrealistic hopes.
Pain in her eyes.
Deceit from her lips.
Truth in her words.

A baby is coming for her in a few months and she is homeless.
Burned bridges.
Stolen from loved ones,
legal implications.

This battle for love rages in my heart for her.

For now I can just simply pray.
Prayer changes things.
This is not bigger than God.
Nothing is bigger than God.

No drug,
no addiction,
no cycle.
I know I've lived through it myself.

I am free now.
15 years of it and I am free!

A glimmer of hope for her.
May she see that glimmer too.

May I pray for her,
and if your heart feels it may you pray for her.

Her healing
that can only come through Jesus Christ.

His death,
His resurrection.
He came out of that tomb so she could live
and walk,
so she can see free and clear!
Errr... how I hate this struggle of mine.

How I love the ability to call on Jesus.

Trying to walk this thing out-


Anonymous said...

As usual right on the money. I feel bad having dragged u into this mess by marriage and I too feel the struggle that it is too love someone hell bent on destroying themselves and anyone within arms seems unfair, and still remains unbelievable. My prayer is for healing even if that means "perfect healing" for her. I love you for so many reasons and for loving her is just one of those. Keep praying and i too will be praying...for her...for you. You are truly a gift of God, thanks for being my gift, thanks for being her gift, and thanks for being you!-love always and forever-svs

American in Bath said...

I've been gone for months, and I'm so sorry that I hadn't been keeping you close. I often ask others to pray because I cannot. I think that asking those kinds of prayers is a blessing.


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