Friday, February 15, 2013

The Struggle with Tuesday Visitation

Tuesdays are the days when Aubry has her weekly visitation with her birth mom. The week leading up to this last week was hectic. Steve was gone for the majority of it and so when he returned on Monday night I was ready to crash. 
Getting up and going on Tuesday morning was not top on my list.

I texted Aubry's visitation supervisor to see if there was any news on birth mom.
I expressed that I would like to skip visitation if she wasn't going to be there, birth-mom had missed the last 3 visits, although the week prior I called because Aubry was sick and when I spoke to supervisor at visitation time that birth-mom wasn't even there nor had she heard from her-- I made the call and cancelled even though I was almost at the visitation spot and from what I saw upon driving by was no birth mom. Could she have shown up late? yes, but in reality it seems to me that if you get to see your child 1 day a week for 1 hour you'd be sitting on the doorstep before visitations even begins, anyway sorry for the rant. Back to my original point--if she wasn't going to show this week then I'd rather just skip the visit all together.

No such luck.

Apparently mom had been inquiring about the visit and so it was on.

That night was restless. 
Anxiety began to creep in again.
I had come to a peace with the visits months ago
...but then all of a sudden it got under my skin.

Not being sure exactly why, I rolled out of bed around 1am and sat on the sofa Bible in hand.

At first I began to read in the book of John but it was hard, uninteresting 
and my mind kept wandering, 
my thoughts pacing back and forth inside my head.
back and forth.
back and forth.

"Why can birth mom not show, not call, ignore calls and do whatever she wants yet I still have to drive Aubry to see her regardless."
"Why do I have to foot the food bill. diaper bill, lack of sleep bill."
"Why can birth-mom continue to show up late, not work and still inconvenience me"
"But I love this little girl and happily do all those thing"

My mind couldn't sit still.

"Who am I to say no to seeing her child"
"Who am I think I have it together"
"I just won't take her"
"I'll show up late"
"Pick her up early"
"I just won't take her"

Back and forth, 
back and forth 
like Aubry May on a swing.

I took a deep breath, closed my eyes and cried out to God.
He heard.
He hears.

Then, I opened my Bible again, 
this time in preparation for my D-Team class on Sunday, that's Discipleship-Team or Sunday School; this week we are talking about Daniel 6 and 7.
Daniel 6:, some of you may know the story, it's of Daniel in the lion's den.
As I read I couldn't believe the words on the page. 
They jumped at me.
Grabbed a hold of me.
Shook me.

Daniel did what he had always done. He sought God, he obeyed God; even though he faced death in doing so- he still did it. It was a holy habit of prayer, a holy habit of obedience. He did the right thing. The God thing.

Another deep breath on my part.
I had to take Aubry that next morning.
It was what I agreed to do 15 months ago.
It was an obedience thing. Even though I foresee circumstances I don't like, I must walk by faith, I must continue on as I have in the past.
While Daniel's situation was far different than mine I read a similarity there.
An encouragement to seek God in prayer when times are tough and to do the right thing when I don't want to or when it doesn't make sense.

So visitation came and went. 
Aubry did fine. 
I did fine. 
Birth mom was there.

I haven't shared a bunch on here about Aubry and life surrounding her. Mostly because I want to protect her bio-parents but I can't do that. I try to be as respectful as I can but the facts are the facts and writing them down helps me process and I like to share my life on here as I have for the past 7 years. The details and the things I may think are happening or perceive as happening I will leave out.

I love this little girl and want the best for her.
So I lift her up to my Heavenly Father, 
her Heavenly Father: the King of the Universe.
And I will trust that the Ancient of Days sits on His throne watching everything, seeing everything right down to the heart level. And I trust He knows best, with that I rest in peace.

1 comment:

  1. I'm so glad you wrote about Aubry, as these posts are the ones I enjoy the most. I'd so much love to sit down and have a cup of coffee with your for an hour. To catch up on the last 20 years and to find out how life has moved you so close to God. I struggle with my faith and would love to have your passion for God. You inspire me when you share. Keep it up.

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