This is for the Sinners Out There

I had to dig up some of my testimony this last week. 
3 times.
You know the part of my story that is the worst, the skeleton in the closet type.
I had shared it before but it was different then.
And different now.
I was so reminded of God's loving kindness,
His forgiveness.
I shared without feeling sick in my stomach, like a loser, failure.

the man i don't deserve - my daily grace

No grace took care of that- grace forgave me.


God's love for me even though I took a stand and decided my way, my desire was more important than obeying God.
And then... 
that stand rocked my world, changed my world forever;
effected my marriage,
broke the heart of God, 
gave the "enemy of my soul" a gust of wind to fuel the coal bed of lies he tends in my head.


On my face I cry out to the Lord as Nehemiah did,

"We've treated you like dirt: We haven't done what you told us, haven't followed your commands, and haven't respected the decisions..."

I am comforted as I read the words of the Lord through Jeremiah

⁶ “‘Nevertheless, I will bring health and healing to it; I will heal my people and will let them enjoy abundant peace and security. ⁷ I will bring Judah and Israel back from captivity^[b] and will rebuild them as they were before. ⁸ I will cleanse them from all the sin they have committed against me and will forgive all their sins of rebellion against me. ⁹ Then this city will bring me renown, joy, praise and honor before all nations on earth that hear of all the good things I do for it; and they will be in awe and will tremble at the abundant prosperity and peace I provide for it.’

What about you?
Feeling beat up?
Like a loser sinner?
Unworthy?
Take heart friend, you may have strayed, gone your own way, done your own thing but trust me when I say there is a Savior, the Savior
ready,
waiting,
to pull you from your pit,
bring health and healing to your life,
rebuild you,
and then...
use you to bring glory to Him.
So the whole earth can hear of all the good things God does for it.


You are the city Jeremiah spoke of.


You don't deserve any of this.
It is only through grace you get it


and only through grace you can pass it on.


Now some photo fun:

She is sweetness, a miracle

P.S. we are superheros

Rainy Sunday Afternoon

Rainy Sundays are perhaps the best days.

Sunday is our down day, the only day Steve doesn't work so we most often can be found sitting on the sofa.

Rainy is great because it keeps us locked up inside; and when you're a family of home bodies, this is good.

Today I sent Nik to the neighbors birthday party. Not sure who else out there drops kids at parties, but we do. Not because we don't like parties but more because we like being home. Vaughan and three of his friends are sitting at the dining table playing Heroscape, Justin is borrowing my men's pin stripe button down and fedora while waiting to be picked up for some time with his friends, Sarah (not my daughter-in-law) naps on the sofa next to me while Aubry sleeps, Steve watches netflix and I google all things San Francisco.

This last week I simplified my closet, I organized and got rid of.

This week I hope to dig out my kitchen cabinets, clean and simplify.

Outside the house I'd like to plant something, anything. 

It'd be nice to get some dirt under my nails. Realistically this won't happen.

Speaking of outside this is a great picture Vaughan texted me of our cats.

I have so been enjoying Wendy's Lookbook and copying her cute outfits. Recently I paired my Vera capri's, a pink tank, white summer blazer and brown wedge sandals-- all inspired by this video, last outfit featured so you can skip to the end if you want to see the cuteness. The good news is my white blazer and pink tank came from our churches annual free clothing drive!!

<iframe width="560" height="315" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/YyotjnSgTQA" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen>iframe>

Hoping for another lazy, yet productive week ahead.

We will beach it, if the weather dries up,

visit our local children's museum,

get serious about the kitchen cabinets,

spend time with a friend

and begin a summer Bible study.

So what does your week hold?

Some Blog Love

I want to share my new favorite fashion blog/youtube.
It's called Wendy's Lookbook <---- youtube 
check it out.
her blog is here
but I really like the videos on youtube

Summer

Just a quick post to check in on a lighter note.

Sometimes I wonder if my posts can be too negative and focused on my struggles, while those days and struggles are so real life can be so much more fun and light hearted around here.

For instance on Monday we spent our afternoon making a Thor costume- tons of fun.

Vaughan's graduation went well, we had family in from out of town and we all enjoyed a wonderful graduation party.

Sarah made a sweet chalkboard to use as a backdrop for our photo booth, not everyone participated but the ones that did had awesome family photos.

 I had fun with graduation cap cupcakes and a Pinterest inspired candle lite outside farm table.

My household size has shrunk down to 6 people, Sarah and Illana are visiting family in up-state New York and my 10-year-old niece is spending the summer with her father out of state.

I know pretty crazy, we went form 4 to 5 to 6 to 9 and now back to 6-- currently it's the original 4, plus Aubry, now 7-months, and my 4-year-old nephew.

Our summer schedule is easy, we wake, eat and go to the beach.

Now that I'm back to life with little ones, I prefer to get to the beach early, before it gets too hot and crowded, and leave in time for baby girls naptime and snack time.

We have other adventures planned, children's museum, science center, zoo, beach, picnic, nature walk/scavenger hunt and watching all the Star Wars movies in order before summer ends.

We also have a family vacation to Washington DC planned and Steve and I have a return trip to Cali in the works.

I've been planting flowers-- a new adventure for me, as veggies have always been my plant of choice.

Phew, a summer that seemed to be empty sure does seem full.

Well that's it for today.

Have a great Wednesday everyone-- oh which reminds me, soon I will be off to inner-city Detroit for our high school mission trip, 

I'm excited!!

Peace, love and Jesus,

Happy Father's Day

It has been a wonderful Father's Day morning at the Span Ranch.
Lazy time, then some Bagel World for breakfast,
now getting ready to head out to church.
We have a grad party this afternoon and then there is talk of going to see The Avengers for the second time!

Hope you are all having a wonderful day.

Confessions of a Heavy Chest

The anxiety sits high in my chest.
right below my collar bones.
there wasn't one particular thought that set it off
not that i can recall


failure...
loneliness...


today,
those are the two things that stir the heaviest within my skin


failure
i sat home all day today
while others had a full day of activities
laundry piles higher,
dishes take over the counter
floors need vacuuming
events with friends bypassed
i've failed


i lift my head long enough to take a breath
long enough to hug a baby, change her, feed her
another breath
i dress a child,
feed them,
instruct them-- but how do i instruct them?
who am i to instruct them?
who am i?


alone
i sit on this stone in my journey sometimes screaming silently for someone to care
really care
really talk


conversations revolve around my patio
or
someone elses patio
words talking about material things with no meaning
not about things of substance


i've poured into others
others have poured into me
but
right now
right here
all that seems like a lifetime ago


all that seems to be false
as if it didn't happen
as if i've always lived this lonely exsistence


i wanna reach for a thrill
grab at something to take this heavy away
to stop the churning deep within


so i reach for the one true
thing i know
God's Word
and the truth
that
lies within


I am reminded that God cares for me and I must cast my anxiety on Him, 1 Peter 5:7.
Reminded that He created me wonderfully, before the world even began, Psalm 139.


As I read through scripture I see that anxiety weighs me down but a good word makes me glad, Proverbs 12:25. That good word is the very Word of God.


God reminds me of practical things, of my friend who relieves me weekly from the responsibility of a 6 month old.
Or the friend who has stuck around the longest and who calls and texts and loves.
The dinners made.
The floors swept.
The I love yous and the thank yous.


I am reminded of the lies that weigh me down,
the lies that sit high in my chest,
heavy like the hammer of Thor,
unable to be removed expect by the King who is worthy to lift it.


Oh the lightness begins to sweep over me.
The joy of the Lord becomes my strength.
I have a new outlook.
I am ready to move again,
to handle my responsibilities with love.


To face another day,
another laundry pile,
or wash another drinking glass, or grocery shop,
change a diaper,
or take a verbal beating from a 4 year old.


Yes, Lord You truly are all You have said You are.
You are my hope.
You are my rock.
You are my joy,
my Savior.
Lover of my soul,
healer of my wounds.


Phew--- thanks for hanging in there as I work this whole thing out here on the pages of this blog.

Just a Post

I took in these 3 extra kids 6 months because I knew God was calling me/us to do so.
I believe Steve and I were being obedient to God's call on our lives.

I've been called crazy.
Told I ruined my life and career, if that's what you can call my 18 months as a bridal consultant.
I've been criticised,
misunderstood.
I've made mistakes, said things better left unsaid.
I cooked enough food to feed a small army,
went without.

I've felt so full of energy and love,
I've been exhausted and wanted to give up.

I've tried my best to really look to God through all of this and just keep on.
As the time with the older kids comes to an end (looks like reunification will occur before school begin s in the fall) Steve and I both wonder what more can come from this experience.
Are we called to be foster parents?
to adopt?

For now I am simply trying to rely on my Savior to guide me,
looking to Him to help me live fully for Him.

Recently a few blogs and books have come across my path and got my mind thinking. 7 by Jen Hatmaker has me thinking the most. Live simple. Live with less excess. How would this look at the Span Ranch.

I'll keep you posted.

Vertical Pallet Garden

My vertical pallet garden

more pictures here

Dear Mom

Dear Mom,
Hi, it's me, Aubry May. I turned 6 months the other day and I thought you may like to know what I am up to.
I like to eat bananas right from the peel, Aunt Michelle cuts the end of the banana off and scoops it out- yum, yum.
I also eat oatmeal. Green beans make me puke.
I am a great kicker and stretcher. Aunty and Uncle say I will either be a swimmer or a biker, my legs can get going a hundred miles a minute.
I am fussy.
I really just like to be held all the time and since I can't yet say words I just fuss.
Although last week I started to hang out for a little moring time in my crib.
Auntie likes that.
Speaking of my crib, I have a new banner over it, it says my name. It's pink, with flowers and so cute.
Thanks mom for an odd letered name, it makes the banner hang so cute.
Aunt Michelle also cut down a large, regular size bumper to fit my smaller condo size crib.
That's right I didn't have a bumper gaurd all these months however Aunty didn't like that sometimes my legs or arms would hang out the sides.
I really love living with all my cousins.
I wear size 3 diapers and 9-12 months clothing.
I know that you thought of me on Mother's Day adn that you miss me very much.
I wish I could say I missed you but really I don't know you; but maybe one day I will know you. I know that you love me, and dad too and if I was old enough to understand prayer I hope I would pray for you.
I'm sure there are other things I do that you would like to know but I'm only 6 months old and I'd much rather play with my dolly, a package of baby wipes or crinkle up some paper.


Oh and one last thing, pray for me. Auntie says I am a miracle from God, that he has something special in store for me. That I was chosen by Him to do good works.
I want to do those good works.
I want to share the goodness of God in my life to others.
Thanks for having me mom. I love you for that.
-Aubry

Wanna Memorize Scripture with Me?

I am currently memorizing Daniel 9:3
I plan to recite the verse from memory, here on this blog on June 15th, 1 week from tomorrow.
I invite you to memorize this verse or another one and join me here next Friday to recite your verse.

Proverbs 27:17 says, "Iron sharpens iron, So one man sharpens another."

Well here's my verse...

Daniel 9:3
"So I gave my attention to the Lord God to seek Him by prayer and supplications, with fasting, sackcloth and ashes."
Daniel 9:3

End of an Era

It's been awhile since I've been on here, I think.
:)
Vaughan has graduated from high school with his 
accelerated diploma and
Magna cum laude. 
He is the first member of the NSBHS chapter of the National Technical Honor Society, 
Vaughan has also worked 20-24 hours a week at Chick-fil-A, 
been an amazing husband and dad.


It seems like yesterday we stared home schooling.
We lived in Oklahoma then,
later we homeschooled in New Hampshire 
and finally finished the 8th grade here in Florida.
Vaughan stepped foot for the first time ever in a public school his 9th grade year. I remember it like yesterday.
We all loaded into the car that morning and drove in the car pool line to drop him at the front door.
We rarely used that front entrance again and he spent his last 2 years driving himself to school.


Then he graduated.


Somewhere along the line he received enough credits, even managed to take some college classes along the way and landed himself right smack in the middle of a high school graduation ceremony.
Shouldn't he still be little?
I'm not sure we even took the training wheels off his bike?
He just can't be old enough,
but he is
and the graduation ceremony was great!
I loved it, much different than the small high school I attended.


Now that that era of our life is over, we step blindly into this next one.
I try not to wonder too much what it will hold,
afterall this last era looks nothing like I thought it would.


"...for we walk by faith, not by sight-"
2 Corinthians 5:7