I'm loosing control of my destiny"
Those are the words to a song I've heard played on the local Christian radio station.
I like the song, it's message is good and I sing the words like I mean them and believe them, BUT, yes there is always a big but in there, and no we're not talking about the big butts that come from eating too many Magic Cookie Bars; no the but I am referring to is the thought of do I really believe those lyrics.
Do I live my days like one who is not in control of her destiny, or that of her children?
Having teenagers is like no other experience in the parenting journey, then again what part of parenting is NOT fresh, new and full of challenges? I have the privilege of having a newborn in the house reminding me of those challenges.
Anyway... back to my teenagers and the reason for this post.
My boys are different, cut from the same cloth but somehow very different.
Yet somehow in my head I have/had a similar plan for their lives.
A plan I think we all have for our children, a plan perhaps we've been brainwashed into thinking is the way to go.
I have always planned and imagined my boys leaving home, moving into a dorm room and completing 4 years of college at a university in New England; OK so I learned to waiver on the New England part, but the rest, well it's just what I thought was the right thing to do, the best thing.
As Vaughan's senior year approaches and as the days tick by reminding me he will soon be the father of a 4, then 5 then 6 month old I am reminded that his dorms days are no more; as if they actually were in existence- oh to be in my head; and that a 4 year university in New England or anywhere else may not be the best choice for him.
Perhaps not the best plan.
I've come up with an alternate plan in my head but I dare not even type it, because, well quite frankly I am holding it with an open hand for "I know, O Lord, that a man's life is not his own [nor that of his mother']; it is not for man [or his mom] to direct his steps." Jeremiah 10:23 parenthesis mine.
So today I am lying on the threshing floor at the feet of my Redeemer trusting He knows best, I am letting go.
Oh but I have 2 children.
Justin is my free spirit, my musician, my march to a different beat kind of kid.
School to him gets in the way of writing and playing music.
If I do not stay on top of him every week in his schoolwork something happens; I'm not sure exactly what, because it varies week to week, but somehow, someway he forgets or misses some bit of very important news.
So recently when I mentioned to Steve that it will take a lot of work keeping Justin's GPA high enough for the FL Bright Future Scholarship, he replied with a "I'm not sure if Justin really intends on going to college".
OK- stop right there.
I know this fact but it hit me- he's right. What am I fussing about?
Sure I'd like to see a music degree for Justin- but after high school he'll be free to do what he wants, and if college is not what he wants, why make him go. Why rag on him about going? It's as if somewhere in my being I just think he has to go to college.
I guess I have fallen prey to what the world says.
For Justin I find myself again lying on the threshing room floor trusting that "A man's steps are directed by the Lord. How can anyone understand his own way." Proverbs 20:24
For Justin, I will still help him succeed in high school but the rest of it-- I'm letting go.
So perhaps you needed a reminder to let things go from the hand and minds of your human agenda into the plan of an Almighty God.
"The Lord works out everything for his own ends." Proverbs 16:4a