Then Samuel took a stone and set it up between Misphah and Shen. He named it Ebenezar, saying , "Thus far the Lord has helped us." 1 Samuel 7:12

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

No Boat Being Rocked, as least not planning on it...

Tomorrow marks 11 months.
11 months since my Boat was Rocked.

11 months ago I was happily working at a job I surprisingly loved and was having a great day.
11 months ago tomorrow was November 11, 2011- or 11/11/11.

A BIG day for weddings
an even BIGGER day for me and my family.

Tomorrow I will be up bright and early, I will pack up baby girl and we will head to court.
Nothing will change, at least I don't expect it to; but the judge just wants to see her;
know she is actually a living, breathing person and not just a case number.

I wonder if mom will be there,
or even dad?

Both are still finishing out their time in jail.
Mom gets out later this month and dad in the spring.

I try not to look ahead,
my planning mind has learned to not plan too much.
Not to set my heart on any one thing as times change.
With a phone call life paths can switch.
A decision seasons change.

Reunification is still the goal.
How it tears my heart to even say that, but that is what it is.
We want our loved ones sober, personally I've always wanted it for Aubry's moms sobriety,
and I still do;
but I'd be lying to say that somewhere,
deep down,
somewhere in my head, in my heart
 I don't want it, not now.

Oh Lord forgive me for my wretched self.

We are loving with an open hand,
holding this precious 11 month old knowing in reality she does not belong to us, or her parents but to her Creator God.
He knows what's best for her,
He knows what's best for her,
let me say it once again,

And with that I wake up tomorrow,
travel to court and on paper agree to reunification but in my heart oh so selfishly wanting to hold her tight for the next 17 years.

So tomorrow no boat will be rocked,
if anything I'll get a good cup of coffee and browse through a bookstore near the court.
I'll get lots of hugs and kisses from a precious little one who gives them to me freely when in the company of strangers.
I'll get tons of "she is so cute" and "wow she is getting big".

No, tomorrow my life won't change but it will hit home again that this life is fleeting.
That days are like grass, flourishing like the flowers in the field, the wind blows over it and it is gone and it's place remembers it no more. Psalm 103:15-16

11 months has come and gone.
Quickly and filled with massive changes, but it's gone.
The wind blew it away
much of it I don't remember.

Tomorrow will be the same,
here and then whoosh... gone.

I just hope I live it peacefully, lovingly.

Shalom friends,

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