Seems as though visitation will not be as I had originally hoped, I will not share the details here, a little too public of a forum I think, but know that today Aubry's mom was released and already requesting a visit. Good, I guess, I mean for a mom to want to see her daughter after not for 7 months is a good thing. It's just a knot settled into my heart, the rollercoaster for what lies ahead haunts me. Is Aubry's best interest going to be considered over these coming months, or will a selfish love toy with this little girl. Oh so many things run through my mind.
But when I think on the future I lack faith. I lack the trust in my Heavenly Father and His hand in His timeline, His Kingdom calendar.
Today, I claim today.
Today, I claim His peace, His joy, His providence.
Today is the first day of the rest of my life- I will live it in faith.
Tomorrow may never come and if it does- it's already written.
~enjoying the thrill ride of life
I am a mulling over kind of person.
When I hear something I have to think about it, marinate on it for awhile.
It's just how I am, when life happens some days it's a good 24 hours before I actually process what it was that just happened.
Last week was court.
A judicial review; so Aubry and I had to be there.
They, being DCF and CPC, always want me in the courtroom; I want to be in the backroom with the kids.
Basically "kid court" works a little different than regular court. In kid court the children involved are hidden from the court proceedings, so while they are there, present in the courthouse, to protect them from the words being said or the sight of their parents in jail jumpsuits the children go to a back playroom.
I wondered if Aubry would be able to stay in the court since she is small enough to not understand the meaning of "court" words and since clothes are clothes to her. Part of me wished she could be out there where her parents could lay eyes on her. Her father has never seen her in the flesh and it's been almost 7 months since mom has seen her.
It didn't work that way though.
DCF came and took her into the back room before her parents were marched in front of us all, a process that must be humbling, or maybe even humiliating. How i wished I would have mouth "I love you" or better yet "Jesus loves you". Before the case was even called I was called to the back Aubry didn't want to be separated from me so I got to sit in the back room and I didn't have to hear the words said in court last Thursday.
In the end, nothing has changed for us.
We will remain Aubry's legal guardians, for now.
He mother will be released this Wednesday, I think, and life will be a little different with weekly visitations starting back up again. This time around I will not do any of the drop offs or pick ups, too much emotional stress tied to that. I love Aubry's mom, I really do, but the mental and emotional bond makes visitation all the more complicated and to be frank I don't have the energy to put into her right now.
My energy is going into raising little Miss Aubsy-tobsy.
So that makes my heart break, now a "transporter" will come and pick her up and drop her off- that's gonna be fun, a stranger coming to take this precious one and drive her away.
Again I am reminded that God is in control, that He knows, that He has best in store.
And that Aubry belongs to Him.
So for now life is as it has been but in a week I know I will face some new challenges, my mind will process the changes and day by day we will walk in faith, trusting for the hand of God to be all over this situation as well as the lives of my boys.
On another note I officially started as Steve's book keeper this week, purchasing new software and getting this section of our lives on track as his company grows.
|Speaking of blessings, my granddaughter is a huge one.|