Thus Far

Last night I had one of the worst anxiety attacks ever! I was so tired that I settled in for bed around 10ish. The boys were already asleep, hubbie was in the shower and I just couldn't keep my eyes open. having no idea how long I slept for I awoke with a sudden feeling of doom overwhelming me. It was 11:20pm. I'm not sure if doom is really the right word but I felt very overwhelmed, very scared and very confused. I don't think I was fully with it but I do remember pacing the floor by my bed moaning. I've had anxiety before and even been woken up before, but not like this. As I was pacing hubbie woke up and said something, actually I don't think he was even fully awake. i then began to take turns pacing and snuggling with him. I would shake and moan. I thought about hubbie's upcoming trip to Africa, my cousin in Indonesia who is going through some heavy times and my oldest who will be on a survival campout all by himself this weekend (all by himself means, dad won't be there). I cried out to God and just kept saying "Jesus" and "Lord please calm me" over and over. "The victory is won", I repeated, I began to thank God that this battle I was in had already been won, there's victory in Jesus! When I came to my senses I grabbed my Bible and froze at where to open. I began to recite in my head "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, with thanksgiving present your requests to God, and the peace that passes all understanding will guard your hearts and minds" I then began to say what I could out loud and thank God for His grace, His mercy, His presence and His promise to never leave us nor forsake us. I got to my knees and prayed, I prayed for hubbie's trip, for my cousin and my son; my words may not have made much sense, I'm not even sure if my words formed sentences, but God doesn't need us to make sense. In fact if He required that of us I'd fail tremendously. I mustered up the strength and I opened to the book of James and read about wisdom, my mind slowly began to calm down, God's peace crept over me and covered me with a blanket of peace. I slept on and off with the light on snuggled close to hubbie before I turned off the light and slept til morning. Ok so I found the foresight to turn off my alarm first!

When I woke up I remembered the heaviness, the presence of something not of God that slid into my room last night. I opened my Bible and read in Ephesians about the armor of God, about our fight not being against flesh and blood, that this fight was not in our realm but was a real fight, a physical fight a hand to hand combat type of fight. Then I remembered what God had said, there's VICTORY IN JESUS! You better believe this morning was a morning of prayer and putting on my armor of God before I even stuck a leg out from under the covers.

So as I go about today I will look to Christ, I will hopefully spend a little more time with Jesus. I will claim victory over this anxiety that when I went o bed last night I didn't know existed. Denial? maybe but the there's no denying the victory and Who it belongs to.