When Forgiveness Is Hard

Forgiveness. 

Webster says forgiveness is the act of forgiving.

Forgiving: to cease to feel resentment against (an offender)

Resentment: a feeling of indignant displeasure or persistent ill will at something regarded as a wrong, insult or injury.

I saw the women my ex left me for at my daughters soccer game last night and I realized I have not forgiven her. 

I mean I have and yet I haven't, can this back and forth forgiveness even exist? I feel like Paul doing what I don't want to do. 

She, this affair partner of my husband at the time, had claimed to be my friend, which I now see was all a ploy for them to be together, she was the kind of girl so insecure that she was looking for a man who would tell her all the things and she didn't care that he was married.

I think my biggest struggle with the whole thing is that there has never been any "I'm sorry" or "I did lie, I was cheating with your husband" No, there is nothing. her last words to me were how much of a horrible mother I was, the worst she had ever seen.

I was only nice to her, opening my home and my life to her.

She is an addict and alcoholic, I met her when she had relapsed and was in need of people to do life with, I felt called to help her. She had lost her license for habitual DUIs and so I drove her to work, to probation, doctors appointments. we even went to Disney together and back to visit her family in the Florida panhandle. Little did I know, she was looking out for her own good and was doing drugs with my husband and stealing money from me.

But she doesn't know the Lord, why would I expect anything else from her, and in reality why would I even expect myself to behave any different.

I too am a horrible sinner saved by grace.

Oh that grace.

That grace was given to me, Lord God I want to extend that grace to her.

I desire to fully understand it in my own life and to extend it to her.

I want to extend that grace to the women who looked me in the face and called me friend, all the while stabbing me in the back slowly and painfully over 10 months.

I need Your strength Lord Jesus because my flesh wanted to punch her in the face when I saw her.

Oh forgive me for such little faith.

You're always doing a NEW thing God and I am excited to see what tis new thing is!

So if you are struggling to forgive, tell God about it, use my prayer above. we can not let unforgiveness stick around, we simply can not.

Be blessed my friend,

Michelle