First 3.5 years Single - A Memoir

The first year was legit crazy.

I went from a cushy work from home gig doing what I wanted, when I wanted for the most part. My ex and I had spent 16 years growing a business that was finally allowing us/me to finally have some financial and tie freedom.

So when he left I was thrown into the workforce.

But I had boundaries, still have boundaries, on my work hours.

I worked 4 days a week at one job and then found a night time job as a server at the local Thai place. I worked 42-60 hours a week.

My bills got paid.

We got to travel.

Work hard, play hard.

We had a blast, but boy that first year was crazy.

Next up came year two. I not longer left my day job at the dog kennel I was working at to babysit dogs our of my home, then the Thai place closed down. 

I made it 3 months before I got notice I was losing "homestead exemption" on the home I was living in and paying for; yes, my ex had contacted the local property appraiser, letting them know he didn't live there anymore. MY MONTHLY MORTGAGE PAYMENT WHEN UP BY $500 OVERNIGHT!

That's when I went to Facebook and answered a job for tree sales; I would become what is known as a "walker". I would spend the next 3 months walking 10,000 - 20,000 steps a day knocking doors and selling tree work.

I will say this about tree sales: when it pays, it PAYS.

Anyway it was while walking for the second tree company that I was poached by a solar company to walk for them.

that lasted all of a month or two before I realized this was not the game for me.

I then took 5 weeks off and spent it in NH doing a little side work for friends and renting out a room to a traveling nurse back at the FL home.

Year 2 being single was coming to a close and I got a call from the dog kennel, would I want to come back and teach dog kindergarten, they had a much better name for the program but essentially I did arts and crafts and reinforced the basics with dogs, who at this point intime becoming my favorite people on the planet; calling dogs people is a blog post all its own for another time.

So year 3 single started as me being trained as I trained dogs to pass their Canine Good Citizen Test. What a fun job it was. I helped dogs balance on balance beams, jump over poles, sit still at parks and not chase the ducks at the river. While a very rewarding job it is hard work training dogs and this almost 50 year old was having major surgery so 8 months in, I said goodbye from the dog training world and began a year of decline.

That's all I can really call it, starting a few months before the 3 year anniversary of being left by my ex of 27 years 8 months and 2 weeks, I had a complication to my initial surgery and was rushed into emergency surgery just a week before a dog sitting job in NYC. That was the last of the last for me that 4th year being single. I'm not sure what happened as I am still finishing it up but I do know that it has been a year of shedding the old and stepping into something new.

My employment has settled down as I am back in bookkeeping/accounting world, this time I've learned about taxes!! Yes I am really excited for this new skill.

I am still watching dogs in my home. I just had 6 dogs at my place this last weekend and am in the middle of a 2 week 3x a day dog walking gig; so that little side gig has worked out pretty good, praise the Lord.

And that is what this is about, praising the Lord.

It's about a life that doesn't give up and does what it takes to get the job done.

Stick to it, stay close to God.

My pastor shared the story of Mary and Martha.

Be Mary. If you'd don't know the story, you can read it in the Bible.

Stay close to Jesus friends, remember God's hand is in your life, look for it and cling to His steadfastness, His never changing steadfast love for you.

{unedited version}

xoxo

-m

Pursuing Goals and doing hard things.

Pursuing goals and doing hard things.

I've never been a goal setter.

I've just gone out and done the thing.

While it has served me well, it has also been the thorn in my side when it comes to completing things.

I use to dislike this about myself and felt like something was wrong with me.

I've been accused of being a church hopper and an all "over the place kind of girl"; both are true, to some degree, they are also part of the story of an entrepreneurial women.

All of this to say I have some 5 year goals for the first time ever in my life.

Yippee! 

You're never too old to try something new, start something new, or be someone new.

So here's to 2025-2030, may the years be filled with new experiences, new adventures and lots of laughs.

xoxo

-M

My Hair Is Coming Out in Clumps

My hair has been falling out and it is a struggle.

When I say falling out I mean like a lot.

My hairline has receded back and the parts in my hair show so much more white skin.

Hormones?

Stress?

Thyroid?

Yes, yes and yes.

I could use prayer, I'm struggling with this one.

Another bump in the road.

I don't wanna be bald again.

I don't want patchy hair.

I will do what comes my way, and until then let's all just relax in the fact that God loves us so much and has good works for us to do, may we do them no matter what our head looks like.

And let's face it I'm struggling to think I'll be alone forever; however, there is so much more to that story.

-Michelle

When it's Best to Sing

Lately I've been wondering where God is?

Like where is He right now in my life?

Recently I have just felt like He isn't here with me, I mean how could he be? 

My life feels so lonely and I wonder if I'll be alone forever.

Yet I'm not alone.

My house is a lot to care for and I am wondering when I won't have to work so many hours day and night.

I have an amazing family who I get to spend time with yet my work schedule has my daughter most often with her older brother and his family, I have accused myself of being a horrible mom.

Anxiety has crippled me like never before as my health the last year HAD slowing faded into a malnourished momma barely making it through each day; 2 hospital stays and a renewed hope has me on the up and up health wise.

Yet when I take the ACTION to PRAISE GOD IN THE MIDDLE OF THE STORM,

when I take the ACTION to SING A LITTLE LOUDER IN THE PRESENCE OF MY ENEMIES.......

When I fight this battle where it is being fought, the anxiety fades away, the joy comes, the peace follow. It just is what it is.

This ACTION can look like this..... I seek prayer from the Christian community, I share with close friends what's going on and I sit still with God in prayer and His Word, I serve His people and give thanks.

I'm headstrong and my brain pathways are pretty well trodden to quickly think the worse and then stubbornly stay there.

I am reminded over and over again to simply stop and sit with scripture, God's Word, the truth, for it is my sword, your sword in the battle.

Ephesians 6:12
For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.

Today, right now, I'm believing God and standing on His promises.

He loves me.

He's got me.

He's been there.

He love me.

I hope you can believe these truths with me and know that you are deeply loved by God.

XOXO

-M

From the Shadows to the Savior: My Quiet Truth About a Marriage Tied to Addiction

For a long time, I’ve kept quiet about a part of my story — the part that lived in the shadows, hidden behind curated smiles, church services, and successful career moves. But it’s time to talk about the elephant in the room.

Not because I want sympathy.
But because there’s freedom in the truth — and someone else needs to hear it, too.

🌒 Living on the Edge of Darkness

For years, I told myself I was simply adjacent to the mess. I was married to a man whose lifestyle involved drugs. A functioning addict. A provider, a charmer, a man who could still show up at times — but underneath it all was a world I refused to admit I was actually part of.

I believed I was staying faithful.
I told myself I was waiting on God to heal him.
I trusted that my prayers would be answered and our marriage would be redeemed.

But I missed something big.

⚠️ I Wasn’t on the Outskirts — I Was Inside It

It hit me one morning, almost casually.

I wasn’t just married to someone in the drug world — I was in it, too.

We weren’t even married a full year before I found myself breaking up weed on a table so the joint rollers could do their thing. I helped prepare product. I was a cog in the machine. The “business” wasn’t just his — I was moving pieces.

And yet, I never saw a dime.
I never even saw me.

I wasn’t just being used by him.
I was also disconnected from myself, from my worth, from what God says about me.

🙏 But Then Came Grace

Here’s the truth that brings me peace:
Jesus didn’t come to condemn me.
He came to set me free.

Not just from that marriage.
Not just from the drug culture.
But from the lie that I was only valuable when I was useful to someone else.

Romans 8:1-2 tells us:

“Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus, the law of the Spirit who gives life has set you free from the law of sin and death.”

Today, I walk in that freedom.

And if you’re reading this — if you’ve been hiding your own truth, trying to figure out where your role ended and his began — I want you to know this:

You are not dirty. You are not broken. You are not condemned.

You are seen.
You are loved.
You are being called higher.

By grace. Through truth. With love.

Jesus loves you — and so do I.

xoxo,
m

Keep On

When life has you wanting to quit..... keep on.

When parenting has you wanting to quit.... keep on.

When marriage has you wanting to quit... keep on.

Keep on.

Keep on going to God's Word.

Keep on thanking God for WHO HE IS.

Keep on observing His presence all around you.

Keep on praying and pressing on toward the real goal; the goal that we are to be Jesus to a dying world, to make and grow disciples.

So today, whatever you're facing... keep on.

Jesus loves you and so do I.

-M

Surviving Cancer gets one thinking...

The thing about surviving cancer is watching those around you get a cancer diagnosis.

I know what they are facing.

And then again I don't know.

Cancer is so unique to every person.

The type, the size, the location.

Then add in people lives.

No two are are the same, so no two cancer diagnosis are the same.

No two faith walks are the same.

God knit us together so unique and perfect that out journey is just that, ours.

Take cancer out of it.

Life is simply hard; no one gets left out of the hard.

The question is how will we respond?

I struggled this last week with hope.

I had lost it, 

...............or at least I felt that way.

The I went to God's Word and read this:

Lamentations 3:21-24

This I recall to mind,

Therefore I have hope.

The LORDS lovingkindnesses indeed never cease, 

for His compassions never fail.

They are new every morning;

Great is Your faithfulness.

"The Lord is my portion" says my soul,

therefore I have hope in Him. 

I had shifted my hope from The LORD, to the temporal, :( .... I was thinking on what I see here in the physical world, playing some things out in how I see things. no bueno

HOWEVER, my story doesn't stop there....

.... God truly never ceases to amaze me: when I shift my focus to His Word;

His way, His mindset.

Peace follows.

Joy comes.

Life is hard my friends.

God is good.

Let's be growing in Christ and be the hands and feet of Jesus to the world around us, 

in our unique position and lot in life.

May we be able to say this...

"we rejoice in our sufferings knowing that,

suffering produces endurance,

endurance produces character and 

character produces hope and

hope does not put us to shame because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us." 

-Romans 5:3-5

And when life is in a calmer, less stormy "good" season, rejoice in the Lord always, and again I say rejoice, let your gentleness be known to all. (Phil 4:4,5)

I hope you are encouraged by this post.

If you have been, 

please let me know in the comments below.

I am hoping to journal more here to encourage you in the your own day to day.

It is my heart that you can face life knowing that God loves you and has your best in mind lean into His Word.

xoxo

-m

Is This Really It?

I found myself, and to an extent still do at the time of typing, asking this question about my life.

Is this really it?

A life I once lived to it's fullest I now can struggle to barely live.

I'd rather retreat and be safe.

Staying home use to mean lots of entertaining and people, now it means quiet and alone, usually with a dog or two close by.

It's not that I'm necessarily wanting to withdraw and retreat, it's just how life has evolved to be right now.

I know this is a season; for me it feels like a "season of the sticks".

Bare bones living.

No fresh leaves on the trees or flowers in the field.

Just sticks hanging out.

They shed their leaves and not they wait, ready for the covering of a good winter snow.

Will they survive? or will the weight of winter break them?

Dry seasons do that, have you wondering if you'll survive? Questioning, trying to figure it out, waiting for the coming out of a sprout of the spring bud, that is hope; but first come the hard times, the stick season of winter.

And I'm okay with that, 80% of the time, may 90%.

It's that other 20% that is getting me down, holding me here in a time warp, not knowing what to do next, where to go or what to even dream.

See, I am a dreamer.

A BIG dreamer.

But dreaming has been hard lately.

I'm not even sure I know how anymore.

Divorcing after 27 years is what did it, or is what kicked this off.

See I had dreams for 27 years that involved me and my ex.

I can look back now and see those dreams were as lonely then as they are now, I just could lie to myself better then.

So while I do not know what these next steps are I do know where I am is where I am.

My job is my job.

My role as a mom hasn't changed, 

........I'm still a Yiayia to my grands, 

..........................daughter to my mom.

So why the sullen face?

Why do I still struggle?

Let me tell you why: I have an enemy of my soul.   

He hates me.

He tells me I am useless and can't dream anymore.

He says dreaming is a waste of time and settling is safer.

He tells me to stay quiet and home, I am no fun to be around after all, a bore. 

He reminds me of all the lies I ever believed or heard... and he tells me them again and again; sad part, I listen. It's easier that way.

So for today in this moment this is where I am at.

And that's ok.

I won't stay here; and this season of the sticks won't stay around forever; how do I know? 

Because I've been here before. 

Stick season.

No life seems to be anywhere around.

Then......

Then the Stick Season/dryness of life gathers heavy snow,

breaking weak branches off the trees and 

yet the same snow cover other branches with such balance and grace like a beautiful gymnast on a balance beam; ever so dainty and light.

I've watch the sticks sprout buds of white, 

then green, 

then color with fruit, leaves and flowers.

I'm gonna bet on my faith in Christ, His Holy Spirit in me and God loving me as my fuel to get through this life no matter the season.

I'll embrace this hand I've been dealt and never fold; what about you?

What/who are you leaning on/into?

 

XOXO

-m

Embrace 2025 With Me

I'm feeling the affects of 50 plus years of life on my body, and it freaks me out.

I don't like it.

I spend the majority of 2024 on bedrest, either because I was recovering from surgery or because I was spiraling down to 104# in an over active thyroid kind of way; but I'm good now.

Seeing Dogman with my grandson

Good because I am working with my doctors to solve this mystery and move on past the medical issues I have battled since 2016; while it seems appropriate to list the bad news here, I just can't do it. I can't do it because once I start down a road of the negative it seems to lead downhill and next thing I know I'm in a downhill spiral toward bad food and time choices, depressed and in an overall funk.

So while the aches and pains of 50 show up and the recovery road back to health for me has been slower than I want, I am thankful. Thankful I have a community of people around me, speaking truth to me; I'm glad I have a faith in a God who is who He says He is and does what he says He will do, like always love me, be there for me and has good for me, even when I don't see it.

So here's to 2025, a year of life giving growth, pressing on through the hard and CHOOSING what thoughts I will think on, what mind patterns I will travel most and what people I will reach out to.

Here's to you learning to like yourself, to love yourself.

Here's to us embracing the changes that always take place and doing it with grace and friendship.

And here's to me, showing up here, sharing my story so you can be encouraged to dare to live fully in the wild of life.

-m

Getting Real

As I sit here and look at my life and how God has brought me through so much. 

Just He and I. 

While the world burned all around me, there I sat; in the middle of my worst nightmare, with an uncanny peace, a calm deep down that finds warmth in the heat and joyful for a fresh start from the ground up.

So here I am almost 4 years later, the rebuilding has begun; it seems like we squatted as best we could in our home as I trained and retrained and then trained again, bouncing from dog jobs to sales jobs, to Walmart, weed trimming, housekeeping, waitressing, eventually landing a sweet bookkeeping gig.

Leaving me here, thankful and blessed with a Rock solid foundation and a deeper relationship with God.

I've been looking at these past years as a bit of a Wilderness Experience, but as I shed a layer of my past I look back with a different perspective, a knowledge of the truth of that Wilderness. The truth is this: it was and is a close, personal, intimate time with God, Jesus and Holy Spirit. So many times i found myself literally crying out to God, yelling, angry, happy, thankful, sad, joyful.... the whole thing, we went through it together.

Just He and I.

So now I press-on.

With a new thyroid issue and a hope of a miraculous healing, I press on toward a healthier lifestyle, even more time with the ones I love and a fresh desire and love for God, His Word and will for my life.

************

One another note, I am making progress on my book.

Life has thrown me a bunch and like many of you I was left to figure it out, start fresh and trust God.

Unsure of the name, have some ideas, but my heat is that this book would encourage women in their walk with God.

Loved by God, as are you, 

-Michelle