I found myself, and to an extent still do at the time of typing, asking this question about my life.
Is this really it?
A life I once lived to it's fullest I now can struggle to barely live.
I'd rather retreat and be safe.
Staying home use to mean lots of entertaining and people, now it means quiet and alone, usually with a dog or two close by.
It's not that I'm necessarily wanting to withdraw and retreat, it's just how life has evolved to be right now.
I know this is a season; for me it feels like a "season of the sticks".
Bare bones living.
No fresh leaves on the trees or flowers in the field.
Just sticks hanging out.
They shed their leaves and not they wait, ready for the covering of a good winter snow.
Will they survive? or will the weight of winter break them?
Dry seasons do that, have you wondering if you'll survive? Questioning, trying to figure it out, waiting for the coming out of a sprout of the spring bud, that is hope; but first come the hard times, the stick season of winter.
And I'm okay with that, 80% of the time, may 90%.
It's that other 20% that is getting me down, holding me here in a time warp, not knowing what to do next, where to go or what to even dream.
See, I am a dreamer.
But dreaming has been hard lately.
I'm not even sure I know how anymore.
Divorcing after 27 years is what did it, or is what kicked this off.
See I had dreams for 27 years that involved me and my ex.
I can look back now and see those dreams were as lonely then as they are now, I just could lie to myself better then.
So while I do not know what these next steps are I do know where I am is where I am.
My job is my job.
My role as a mom hasn't changed,
........I'm still a Yiayia to my grands,
..........................daughter to my mom.
So why the sullen face?
Why do I still struggle?
Let me tell you why: I have an enemy of my soul.
He hates me.
He tells me I am useless and can't dream anymore.
He says dreaming is a waste of time and settling is safer.
He tells me to stay quiet and home, I am no fun to be around after all, a bore.
He reminds me of all the lies I ever believed or heard... and he tells me them again and again; sad part, I listen. It's easier that way.
So for today in this moment this is where I am at.
And that's ok.
I won't stay here; and this season of the sticks won't stay around forever; how do I know?
Because I've been here before.
Stick season.
No life seems to be anywhere around.
Then......
Then the Stick Season/dryness of life gathers heavy snow,
breaking weak branches off the trees and
yet the same snow cover other branches with such balance and grace like a beautiful gymnast on a balance beam; ever so dainty and light.
I've watch the sticks sprout buds of white,
then green,
then color with fruit, leaves and flowers.
I'm gonna bet on my faith in Christ, His Holy Spirit in me and God loving me as my fuel to get through this life no matter the season.
I'll embrace this hand I've been dealt and never fold; what about you?
What/who are you leaning on/into?
XOXO
-m