Then Samuel took a stone and set it up between Misphah and Shen. He named it Ebenezar, saying , "Thus far the Lord has helped us." 1 Samuel 7:12

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

The Struggle of Grace Given

One of the hardest parts of living life out loud on this blog is that others can read it.
When others read your words, they pass judgement.
Good or bad they take a look at small glimpses and come up with an idea of who I am and what happens around here.

I've kept quite because of this fact.
Our current living situation has DCF involved as well as other state agencies; what do I say here, or what do I not say here.

Today I feel like saying a lot.
Today marked a day we stood up as a family living at our address and said "no".
For the most part we have said "yes" to the "outside forces" (as I'll call them), the people involved in this whole thing.
We've said yes to last minute changed times of visits, 
changed places and changed days. 
Yes to late night gas station meetings to pick up clothing and toys.
Yes to phone calls when we've just begun to settle everyone down for the night.

Personally I've really felt that yes is what Christ has called me to say. Putting others interests first is what I'm called to do. 

Until today.

Today was the day that I just felt taken advantage of.
I do supervised visits for one of the outside forces.
Our first meeting spot changed to a second, 
then to a third.
My morning errands would have made the first meeting spot ideal, I had to be in that neighborhood and so it would be nothing to stop by for the set hour visit.
Then the second spot, errr... a bit out of the way but today I had a third party coming,
then a third, I said yes even though it meant due to time I could not run my morning errands.

It was a slap in the face.
Perhaps I'm being selfish but I really just felt as though my day, my plans were not even considered due to the outside forces lack of planning and consideration.

I made a little bit of a fuss today.
Hate it when I do that.
I'm sure it'll all come back to bite me.
I'll be labeled the bad one, I've always been made out to be the bad one in some circles, so it's a role I'm comfortable playing.

As I think about it: I am the bad one. 
My thoughts suck, I find myself becoming more and more upset with the outside forces. 
My heart attitude begins to change, I grow colder. 
I am the bad one. 
Errr... what a mess I am, to the feet of my Savior I go.
It's not about me.
It's not about me.
It's a Kingdom thing.
A Christ agenda.

Reality is still here.
Things run smooth until they are involved.
Ugh, I ask myself: what runs smooth until I am involved?
What do I mess up
See the cycle here.
I have had grace upon grace poured out on me, now I need to pour it out.

So there it is: a rant of sorts, working this whole thing out.
Oh and the thing we said "no" to- well it involves the holidays, visitation and priorities.
Priorities to the ones who have been around for 18 years.
The outside forces will not be happy, but for 2 days we would like peace, calm and love to reign.

So what about you, anyone else struggle with the tug, the struggle of giving grace?

1 comment:

gschott said...

Michelle, yes I know plenty of people who struggle with giving grace. First there is me. But I also have a best friend who has walked what seems like the very road you are walking. I have probably mentioned her to you before. Her name is Lisa and she blogs very openly about her life. I took a quick glance at her archived blogs and found this one:


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