Still in a Holding Pattern

Court.
Continued again.
Trusting this is the year of adoption for our sweet little girl.
Two weeks in and 2014 has already been an adventure and I'm sure the rest of it will continue in suite.
Forever blessed.

Court This Month

So we went to court last week and as the justice system works we sat around for over 2 hours to get our 2 minutes in front of the judge asking for a continuance.

A failed transport of Aubry's bio-dad from the local county jail due to a misspelling of his name in his most recent arrest meant we couldn't proceed,
instead we will sit back in front of the judge in early December.

In case you haven't been keeping up we are going in front of the judge to ask him to change Aubry's case plan from reunification with her bio-parents to terminating their parental rights which will them allow her to be available for adoption, she is a ward of the state right now, and once she is available for adoption we can then wait for our day in front of the judge to, Lord willing, make that little girl a legal part of our family.

Now if there is parental resistance we'll go to trial.

So for another couple weeks we wait and then
we'll see-

good news...
this time we don't have to take Aubry!

Love is deep

Happy November.
I can't believe this year is almost over.
Aubry will be 2 years old this month, wow!
It seems like yesterday I got the call saying I was the guardian/parent of a newborn baby girl.

1 week.
That's the time we had to prepare to bring a baby home.
No time to pick out wall colors or bedding themes,
no time to shop for baby furniture or clothes.

The girls at work threw us a baby shower the day after she came home form the hospital..
We got a tone of stuff!
and then for the last 2 years we've been overflowing with blessings.

We go to court next week; this time asking the judge to change the case plan from "reunification" to "adoption". Both her parents agree Aubry should stay in our home; so now they need to sign over their rights. 
I can't imagine making that decision.

Of course I think that's what's best for Aubry.

So I trust this whole process to the Lord.

Life is looking a little different now; Aubry bio-dad's side of the family makes visits as does her bio-mom. It's kind of a divorce family meets adoption with a whole lotta love stirred in.

Ya know I love her like my own kid.
No different.
Not that I thought I wouldn't love her a ton, I just didn't realize this magnitude of love.

I am amazed at the length of love.
The depth of it. 
Having my own kids is when the roots of love grew deep in my heart; then it overflowed to Steve.
It would be years before I'd feel that love for a student, a friend, a sister.
But there is something about your own kids. You hug them, love them, shake your head at them.
They amaze you,
baffle you and frustrate you beyond all comprehension.

They warm your heart,
bless it, melt it, make it smile
and sometimes break it right inside your chest.

Oh that's how I feel for Aubry May, deep rooted love grown on my inside.
Oh how I trust and hope this adoption goes through.

Well I'v been laying low on this subject because I just don't always know what to say, what to share and when. I'll be back with an update.

For now there is a birthday to plan, Thanksgiving to be hosted, family in town and then a fabulous trip with Illana, Stevie and their parents.

I leave you with this from Philippians chapter 4
"...the Lord is at hand, be anxious for nothing..."

If you need that reminder then claim it, grab it, believe it.
Look at your hand, the Lord is there, He's got it- so enjoy it!!!

Love a little more today, the one you wanna avoid,

Aubry's First B-Day

Aubry turned one on Sunday. We had a small party with her closest friends :)

That would be her family and her babysitters.

We opted to skip out on church since she had been sick all week and had been up for a nice 3 hour party in the middle of the night anyway.

When she did wake up I dressed her in her pre-party outfit.

A cute little outfit that Illana let her borrow with a brand new hair piece I got her off of Etsy.

 Aubry and I spent a chunk of time playing outside with the cats.

 Here she is following one under the chair.

Oh! She caught one. Toby is our biggest cat and when he is ready for some lovin' he is willing to let her hug and tug on him.

Inside was a different story. I made two banners for her the week and day of the party. One read "Hugs & Kisses" and the other "b-day wishes"

 She wore an ice cream dress and we made cupcakes in ice cream cones. She had both a golden butter cream cupcake and a chocolate one.

 Here's the best shot I got of her in her special birthday dress.

It was a good time. Her bio-mom showed up and I thought it went well. 

Only because of God's grace could I deal with the situation like I did.

A few of the guests, several actually, had a hard time seeing bio-mom with Aubry. They hurt for mom and the fact that she hadn't been a part of this precious ones life. 

Me? 

I felt indifferent. 

Sometimes I wonder if something is wrong with me in that I think "it is what it is".

Life is what is happening and I find it best to just do the next thing. To accept the here, the way things are and move on. God has a perfect Kingdom calendar, a perfect plan for my life and when things happen out of my control I find it best to just accept it and step forward.

Now don't get me wrong, sometimes I freak and scream and pitch a fit, but never did I wake up and think my life would take the turns it has taken. 

So when it came to the birthday party I did my best to include Aubry's bio-mom. For now the goal is reunification and I must do what I can on my part to cautiously make that transition the best for Aubry that it can be.

I love this little girl and I really don't want to let her go. She has a piece of my heart.

Who knows?

Who knows what tomorrow holds?

What is it for me to even speculate,

after all I'm ready for my Lord's return tonight.

Tomorrow may never come and when it does, 

when tomorrow comes and I am gone,

I will be forgotten, 

my life is like a flower in the field, the wind blows over it and it's place remembers it no more.

I do believe my Jesus footprint, however small, will carry on His love.

That's why I loved bio-mom yesterday.

That's why I do the next thing.

Hopefully it's the Jesus thing.

Following my Rabi,

He Is the Balm for My Heart

I just love this picture of her.

Classic Aubry.

Standing on something

and you know that something is not high enough in her eyes.

I love her in this chair because it's our chair.

Really, it's every body's chair because we all spend a lot of time sitting in it.

Personally I sit in it most often with her.

Aubry saw her mom last Thursday for the first time in over 7 months. I drove to the visitation cautiously, somewhat nervous, a little shakey but with a peace.

We had prayed for no separation anxiety on Aubry's part and our prayers were answered. She went to her mom with a little hesitation but looking at me she knew it was alright. 
I knew it was alright.
...then...
That was it, a few instructions and I walked away.
I drove around the corner crying. Not really because I was sad but because an end may very well be in sight. 
And I don't like that.
I mean it's what we've always expected, a healed mother is what we've prayed for; it's just I hurt thinking of letting go of this precious wonder.
We'll ease into the visits, wise council has offered wise advice.
Visits will be nothing like I would have wanted. No, why would they, how could this time of trust be simple?

I will drive her. I will drop her. I will pick her up.
I will face the hard truth.
The truth that my time, our time with Aubry living under our roof may very well have a closer ending date than I would like.

God knows best.
I trust her in His hands.
I trust her future, 
her influences, 
where she'll lay her head,
eat her meals,
and learn to live.
I trust the words spoken to her little ears and the things seen by her little eyes,
I trust it all to God. 

I hear from friends of similar situations. Babies raised and quickly gone.
Some to only come back again, others not.
Some with good stories,
others with bad.

I trust
but trusting doesn't mean easy,
it doesn't mean things will go as I wish,
or go with no pain.

I pray.
I trust.
I rest.

I cry out... He hears me in my agony.
I fall down... He sees me in my hurt.
I weep... He wipes away my tears.
I ache... He is the balm for my heart.

He is my Healer.
My Sanctifier.
My Redeemer.
Jesus, Jesus, Jesus...

Shalom,

No Boat Being Rocked, as least not planning on it...

Tomorrow marks 11 months.
11 months since my Boat was Rocked.

11 months ago I was happily working at a job I surprisingly loved and was having a great day.
11 months ago tomorrow was November 11, 2011- or 11/11/11.

A BIG day for weddings
an even BIGGER day for me and my family.

Tomorrow I will be up bright and early, I will pack up baby girl and we will head to court.
Nothing will change, at least I don't expect it to; but the judge just wants to see her;
know she is actually a living, breathing person and not just a case number.

I wonder if mom will be there,
or even dad?

Both are still finishing out their time in jail.
Mom gets out later this month and dad in the spring.

I try not to look ahead,
my planning mind has learned to not plan too much.
Not to set my heart on any one thing as times change.
With a phone call life paths can switch.
A decision seasons change.

Reunification is still the goal.
How it tears my heart to even say that, but that is what it is.
We want our loved ones sober, personally I've always wanted it for Aubry's moms sobriety,
and I still do;
but I'd be lying to say that somewhere,
deep down,
somewhere in my head, in my heart
 I don't want it, not now.

Oh Lord forgive me for my wretched self.

We are loving with an open hand,
holding this precious 11 month old knowing in reality she does not belong to us, or her parents but to her Creator God.
He knows what's best for her,
He knows what's best for her,
let me say it once again,
HE KNOWS WHAT'S BEST FOR HER.

And with that I wake up tomorrow,
travel to court and on paper agree to reunification but in my heart oh so selfishly wanting to hold her tight for the next 17 years.

So tomorrow no boat will be rocked,
if anything I'll get a good cup of coffee and browse through a bookstore near the court.
I'll get lots of hugs and kisses from a precious little one who gives them to me freely when in the company of strangers.
I'll get tons of "she is so cute" and "wow she is getting big".

No, tomorrow my life won't change but it will hit home again that this life is fleeting.
That days are like grass, flourishing like the flowers in the field, the wind blows over it and it is gone and it's place remembers it no more. Psalm 103:15-16

11 months has come and gone.
Quickly and filled with massive changes, but it's gone.
The wind blew it away
much of it I don't remember.

Tomorrow will be the same,
here and then whoosh... gone.

I just hope I live it peacefully, lovingly.

Shalom friends,

Just a Post

I took in these 3 extra kids 6 months because I knew God was calling me/us to do so.
I believe Steve and I were being obedient to God's call on our lives.

I've been called crazy.
Told I ruined my life and career, if that's what you can call my 18 months as a bridal consultant.
I've been criticised,
misunderstood.
I've made mistakes, said things better left unsaid.
I cooked enough food to feed a small army,
went without.

I've felt so full of energy and love,
I've been exhausted and wanted to give up.

I've tried my best to really look to God through all of this and just keep on.
As the time with the older kids comes to an end (looks like reunification will occur before school begin s in the fall) Steve and I both wonder what more can come from this experience.
Are we called to be foster parents?
to adopt?

For now I am simply trying to rely on my Savior to guide me,
looking to Him to help me live fully for Him.

Recently a few blogs and books have come across my path and got my mind thinking. 7 by Jen Hatmaker has me thinking the most. Live simple. Live with less excess. How would this look at the Span Ranch.

I'll keep you posted.

Dear Mom

Dear Mom,
Hi, it's me, Aubry May. I turned 6 months the other day and I thought you may like to know what I am up to.
I like to eat bananas right from the peel, Aunt Michelle cuts the end of the banana off and scoops it out- yum, yum.
I also eat oatmeal. Green beans make me puke.
I am a great kicker and stretcher. Aunty and Uncle say I will either be a swimmer or a biker, my legs can get going a hundred miles a minute.
I am fussy.
I really just like to be held all the time and since I can't yet say words I just fuss.
Although last week I started to hang out for a little moring time in my crib.
Auntie likes that.
Speaking of my crib, I have a new banner over it, it says my name. It's pink, with flowers and so cute.
Thanks mom for an odd letered name, it makes the banner hang so cute.
Aunt Michelle also cut down a large, regular size bumper to fit my smaller condo size crib.
That's right I didn't have a bumper gaurd all these months however Aunty didn't like that sometimes my legs or arms would hang out the sides.
I really love living with all my cousins.
I wear size 3 diapers and 9-12 months clothing.
I know that you thought of me on Mother's Day adn that you miss me very much.
I wish I could say I missed you but really I don't know you; but maybe one day I will know you. I know that you love me, and dad too and if I was old enough to understand prayer I hope I would pray for you.
I'm sure there are other things I do that you would like to know but I'm only 6 months old and I'd much rather play with my dolly, a package of baby wipes or crinkle up some paper.


Oh and one last thing, pray for me. Auntie says I am a miracle from God, that he has something special in store for me. That I was chosen by Him to do good works.
I want to do those good works.
I want to share the goodness of God in my life to others.
Thanks for having me mom. I love you for that.
-Aubry