Day of Surgery Post

journal date: April 30, 2016

Wow. April is over.
I can't believe that just 2 short months ago I was given the cancer diagnosis
and now...
it's gone.

2 months is not a long time, yet, it seems like I have wrestled with cancer and all that comes with it for a lifetime.

I've looked death in the face and realized it does not scare me.
We've asked ourselves some tough questions and come to some even tougher answers.
We've seen and outpouring of love and friendship like never before.
Older women have become mentors
and I've realized how little I know,
how much I've learned
and how big and loving my God is.

I've faced a lack of self-control and fear head on -
I've been brave in ways I didn't know I needed to be brave in.

I've learned that truly no matter what we go through there is no need for resentment,
condemnation,
anger or fear.
Those things will rob us of peace,
and of joy, they will steal precious moments and lie to us.

I've learned memorizing Scripture is more valuable than anything money can buy and nurses can say.

**********

So on a personal level here is how the day of my surgery went.

We arrived at hospital and I was taken back to prep area #7
There a lady from NH, who's uncle lives on S. Main Street in my hometown took my vitals and we shared Steven Tyler stories.

The nurse then came in and handed me a cocktail of pills in a small cup and went over some paperwork and had me sign some more consent papers.

I then changed into my hospital gown, was asked what the doctor would be doing today and my right side shoulder was marked; then I was given the biggest, most painful IV I have ever received.
"I am feeling lightheaded" I told her as she worked at getting this monstrosity into my hand.
I closed my eyes and recited Psalm 103 in my head;
especially the verse that says "as a father has compassion on his children, so the Lord has compassion on those who fear him"
I was lightheaded and in pain but I was so settled knowing my God, the Creator of the Universe has compassion on me, just as I had compassion on Justin the night before as Steve and I helped him work through a tough life situation he was facing.
Wow God I thought, how much you love me!!

Apparently the nurse finally looked up at me and said "wow, I'm going to tilt your head back, you're as white as typing paper"--
once the IV was in she gave me some fluids to hydrate me as she asked:
"Do you eat all organic?" Yes
"Do you drink lots of water?" Yes
"Do you take any medications?" No
"That's what I figured" she said "Your poor little body doesn't like all we've just given it, plus you're probably getting dehydrated"

Once I was back to flesh color she called in Steve and 3 of my friends who had come to pray over me.
Eventually I ended up with 2 warm blankets, those heated blankets really are the bomb and I was feeling like myself again.

At last I was being wheeled upstairs to pre-op, a sassy transporter pushing me with Steve at my side. We posed for some SnapChat pics and then I experienced my first pre-op.


Every person who is going to be tending you comes in asks your name and birthday, explains their duties and if you have any questions. The anesthesiologist and then his nurse, the surgical nurse and then my doctor.

My doctor.
I think, no, I know you must have a doctor you believe in and who believes in you. I had been praying for her and she that morning for me. She marked my surgery side again and then she was gone.

I said goodbye to Steve as we parted ways in the hallway and I was wheeled through the surgery doors and into a room,
cold and metal,
shiny and sterile,
just like tv.

I was moved to a skinny morgue like table and covered again with another warm blanket. Two surgical techs were busy prepping as my arm lay out on a small thin table extending out to my side.
I was given a mask to breathe some sleepy medicine through.
"You're arm may feel a little warmth" the nurse anesthetist said as I felt the worse pain inside my body than any other pain I had experienced.
"Warm." I said "this is the worst pain ever"
"You'll be falling asleep soon" they said
Deep breathe
Deep breathe
Deep breathe

Then I woke up.
On a real size bed.
In a different room.

I slowly began to awake and talk.
Those poor doctors and nurses, to have me ramble.

After a short period of time I was wheeled back downstairs, everyone impressed with my quick alertness.

Never underestimate a redhead, a Yankee, a mom, me.

Steve and my mom joined me back in my original #7 room.
My IV was removed, I put on pants was given water!!
Yeah water!!

Could someone have at least done something with my hair!!

Then I was wheeled out to the car and after dropping my prescription I was safe and sound in my own bed.

Justin arrived moments later with Chick-Fil-A.
Grilled nuggets
Waffle fries
Diet lemonade
--nothing on my approved diet list, but everything on my empty stomach, haven't had Chick-Fil-A in months list--

I felt great!
A little woozy,
but great.
A few hours later Steve brought Illana over and we read books and talked in my bed.
Joliene and Aubry showed up, the girls played and I visited with Jo.
They left and Vaughan, Sarah and the boys came over
My heart was full.
Over joyed.

Then I hit the sack
And it was over.
I went to bed cancer free.

I know they say technically you need to be 5 years without cancer to be considered cancer free
but somehow
I feel like with the tumor gone and clear lymph nodes
I am cancer free.

I am cancer free.

So that is the day of my lumpectomy,
a day I want to remember the details of.
Remember because God is in the details,
of the nurse from NH,
the sassiness of the transporter,
teh specific people who showed up,
and didn't,
the belief of the doctor
and the peace in the storm that very easily could have swept me under.

No matter what you're facing,
no matter the size of the wave,
big or small,
know that God loves you and cares.
He is in the details, even when we think he just can't be in the details.
He is.

In those details He is doing something new.
In you, around you and through you.
Hold tight friend.

I'm not sure about tomorrow but I know this:
Thus Far the Lord has helped us.

Results of MRI and More

A drawbridge, it can make you anxious or relax you, you chose. #NSBnorthcasueway

*because I love my readers... recipe link at bottom*

So the MRI results are in and while I was believing for a
"wow, you have no tumor!" response
that's not what I got.
Instead it was good news, there is only the one tumor,
in the one breast, nothing more visable.

I never know what terminology to use at the doctors,
I call it a breast, beacuse that's what they call it,
but really to me, it's my boob...

So I have scheduled a lumpectomy for the 27th of this month;
however I am still praying and asking God to
disolve this tumor to nothing or below .5cm.

It was the prophet Isaiah who said,
"But he was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was on him, and by his wounds we are healed."

I am being healed from so much more than this cancer.
I am finding healing in inner emotions of resentment, bitterness, judgement and more.

I believe that I am already healed.

I think the big question people have for me now is "What are you doing for treatment?"

I have been a little more quiet about this as it is not traditional.
I am, as of now, not jumping into radiation then chemo.

Cancer is individual.
When a person gets diagnosed there is no way for anyone else to know exactly how they are feeling and what is best for them.
It's truly individual.

I've only had 2 "negative" expereinces so far;
the first was when it was said to me that people would "judge me" for having cancer.
Until that was said I would have never imagined that others would judge me, or anyone, for having cancer; 

Why would someone do that? 
I guess one reason is we want to know what that person did wrong to get cancer so we can do the right thing and not get it.

Even with all my new found education on cancer I can not take God's hand out of it.
Sometimes things happen.
Sometimes healthy people get cancer, or a cold. 
Good things happen to bad people 
and bad things happen to good people.
Sometimes a child falls out of a tree, lands on their arm and breaks it;
other time a child falls out of tree, lands on their arm and walk away a little bruised.

Not saying actions don't have consequences, but I am saying that God wrote my days long before my blip on the screen of planet earth came about.
For whatever reason He wrote cancer on these few pages of my book of life.
The book of Psalms says "all my days ordained for me were written in your book, before one of them came to be."
I have peace in that truth.

My life has come to this -- photos to gain info for my oragnic food spreadsheet -- I wanna get the best deal people!

The second negative expereince was when someone critized me for not acting quickly and not doing what the doctors recommended.
Trust me I have done what the doctors have recommended so far
and no I have not acted as quickly as others have and that's okay.
It's individual, personal
and I had alot of educating to do.

I wasn't going to jump into something I knew little about because someome said I should.
That's not me. I tend to jump into things quickly that people say I shouldn't do... but that's another blog post. {wink}

So, with the knowledge that I have right now I am praying and taking steps forward toward a holistic, natural treatment plan.

I have radically changed my eating habits,
I have been educating myself on my specific cancer type, my personal lifestyle and the inner workings of how this tumor was formed and have been researching along with an amazing woman named Crystal; my holistic doctor, what natural and herbal options are out there.

My brain hurts.
For now that is where I am at.

This journey is already amazing and while I am not quite sure I am thankful for it,
somewhere, 
deep down perhaps
I am thankful for the opportunity to press in closer in my faith.To grow spiritually.
To love deeper,
live more
and practice being at peace having joy each step of the way... notice I said practice...

For those that know me and my heart about this, you get it, or at least get me.
For those that don't really know me or can't really understand why, be assured I am not walking into this blindly.
I have done tons of research,
met and spoken with lots of people who have chosen this path before me
and
for now, 
this is what I believe God would have me do.

Resting in the peace that was brought on me, on us, because of the punishment Christ received, that punishment that lead to my healing.

The holistic approach... I am sure I'll share more,
until then 
may you rest in the peace given to you,
on this exact day of your life.

XOXO friends,
 

Cauliflower Fried Rice

I have become addicted to caluiflower rice,
I have used this recipe and it's wonderfully yummy,
I leave out the braggs or any soy sauce and it's still delicious!!

Let me know if you make cauliflower rice and anything yummy you make with it

MRI Thoughts...

Wednesday I had my MRI,which I am believing will show no sign of tumor or cancer. 

If you've never had an MRI before let me tell you a few things and some tips about an MRI.

 #1: you get to go into one of those tubes 

...for those of you who are claustrophobic, as I once was, your best bet is to close your eyes and recite scripture over and over again, thinking on the truths of the words and relaxing in the peace of them.
I chose Psalm 103 a chapter I memorized in 2007 and the first 6 or so verses came back quickly and they really entertained my thoughts for the 30 minutes I was in the tube.

 #2: you get an IV 

 Yuk, I could have done without a needle in my arm, but it is what it is and again if you have issues just don't look.
Mind over matter.

#3: close you eyes. 

why would you not?
as soon as you lay down, close them and relax.

and lastly...

 #4: do not pay close attention to the actual room or the machine on the way in, 

...that way while you are in the tube you may imagine the scene outside you like some sort of movie or book.
You pick.
I chose a comic book,
you know like Captain America.

I envisioned all these sceintists around me, some with lab coats and clip boards, others in suits and a few miliary guys and girls as well. While most stood close by, I knew someone was watching from behind tinted windows.
I imagined somewhere in the room there was a machine made by Stark Eterprises and some glasses wearing, newsy-type, internet hacking, blogger kid was filming on his handheld recorder.
Then when you are all done with the MRI you can look around and see the reality of the room and be surprised, or diappointed; it's probably very hospital looking and instead of lots of cool tinted windows it will be one window with a cheap, plastic mini blind. Sure the guy sounded cool on the loud speaker but the reality is he is some 20 year old in scrubs wondering when lunch break is.

But imagine whatever you want, it helps pass the time,
and keeps your imagination alive!!

 Now a little more on why I believe in no tumor.
The more I read and think and mediate on the Lord of God, the more I see how miraculous He is.
The more I see that as a child of God I have access to the heavenly realms.

Elijah prayed for no rain and it didn't rain for 3 years!
Elisha prayed for the enemies to be blinded and they were.
Jesus raised Lazarus from the dead.
Jesus healed the blind with a touch, a word, dirt.
Jesus healed face to face, he healed at a distance.
Jesus healed a women when she touched his cloak and Elisha was so full of the Spirit of God that even his dead bones brought a man back to life.

See, here's the deal people. I don't know what you believe, but I believe in the God of the Bible. 

Creator God who made me and loves me and wants good for me.
The Word of God says He is the same yesterday, today and tomorrow so why would this God of helaing and miracles NOT heal and perform miracles right here, right now.

 Healing has already happened in my life and healing is coming.
Miracles have happened in my life already and miracles are coming.

So believe with me.
Whatever you are facing,
whatever it would be;
an unsettled marriage,
a tough child,
health issues,
uncertain work enviroment,
or perhaps your role here onthis planet earth.
Believe with me.
Have the faith of a mustard seed that this mountain is moved, in Jesus name!!

 And yes, I know that God doesn't always work in the ways we desire and have faith in and I am ready to accept whatever He has for me,
for now I am believeing as my 4-year-old prays, "for the cancer to be gone before the bump comes out"

 I'll be back next week with update from surgeon...
 

Life Changes in a Moment

Just 2 girls from New Hampshire walking in the woods of Oregon

I've always said "you never know what a day holds".
If you think about any traumatic or life changing event in your life if happens in a moment.

I first realized this when I was in my first car accident. It was 1990 and I was going about my day as no other and then suddenly on my way home in a split second I was thrown from a car and woke to being pinned under it.

Fast forward to the day I found out we were moving to Florida in 5 short days,
or the evening I was told I would a grandmother,
and yet again it was an ordinary day when I heard a friends toddler had passed away.

November 11, 2011 was a life changing day when I received a call asking if I would be willing to become a mother again to a little baby girl born just an hour earlier, her mother unable to care for her.

All of these events have one thing in common: I woke up and went about my day as any other. 
I showered, or didn't, got dressed, ate, spoke with my loved ones and went about my business; then suddenly, out of no where, life hit me.
Life happens.

On February 26, 2015 it was one of those days.
Kind of.
I woke up and knew I had a doctors appointment to go to; however, it was not just any doctors appointment, it was an appointment to find out the result of a recent breast biopsy I had.

That day would forever change my life.

That was the day I heard the words that still baffle me today,
that was the day I was diagnosed with breast cancer.
Bam!
Another day, like any other, until life happened.

That next day I was driving over the big bridge here in town and could see the beach and the ocean for miles and miles; God's creation as beautiful and untouched from that view. I remember it clearly as I spoke aloud to God saying, "wow God I am going to be a breast cancer survivor".

It's been quite a journey these last few weeks.
I chose to continue on a trip planned to Colorado and Oregon
and put off surgeon and oncologist appointments until after Easter.

I've gotten all kinds of advice and opinions.
I've listened to lots of peoples breast cancer stories, each of these women are incredible.

I've prayed.

I've been prayed for.

I can honestly say the initial news was shocking and stunning but not scary.
I know lots of breast cancer survivors, so fear was really never an option.
I slept soundly that night and the nights following,
in fact it wasn't until 3 nights ago that I awoke and couldn't stop thining about it.
Obsessing.
Worrying.
What if I chose the wrong doctor, or take the wrong treatment path...
the what ifs will kill you... if you let them.

I walked out of that first doctors appointment with one thing on my mind.
The Lord is on the throne.

No matter the diagnosis there was one thing I knew for sure and that was that the Lord God was on the throne in the heavenlies and He knew this was part of my journey long before it came to be.
That was all I needed.
I slept peaceful, took each thought captive and really just had, and have a peace that I am healed because of the wounds and bruises of Jesus Christ. The Bible says "By His wounds we are healed."
Past tense... "ARE healed"
I believe that.
I serve a God that is believable.

After that night of thinking on the diagnosis and the mistakes I could make, God sent 4 women to my home via AirBnb and once again I was touched by these people who entered my home as strangers and left as friends.
Through wisdom and prayer they spoke life to me, the life words of Christ, Holy Spirit filled prayers and an annointing with oil.
I slept peaceful once again and will again tonight.
How can I not.
How can I read and hear the Truth of God and not be at peace.

I have lots of thoughts I've written down
and the journey has been very interesting thus far,
but,
for now I think what I want to say on here is that whatever you are facing is not worth the time of day to fuss or worry or fume about.
No. 
Whatever it is, whether a tough marriage or a wayward child, a future unsure or a life well layed out; whatever you face it is always best to give God the Prasie and the glory for it and through it and do it with boldness.

Well I will give this post a quick prof read, so forgive any spelling or whatever errors, because it's off to bed with that littel girl who became my daughter on that ordinary day back in November 2011.

See we really never know what a day will hold;
however, we have full assurance of Who is holding each day.

Peace and love to you all,

Rainbows, Black Clouds, Unicorns and Ogres

Hi All!
It's been awhile I know.

I miss writing here but life happens and well here I sit.

I wish I could say it has all been rainbows and unicorns around here
and maybe it has
and I've just missed it.

I tend to get in a funk and what seems to be surrounding me are black clouds and ogres.

Something happened this last year,
and it took me awhile to put my finger on what it was, 
what it is.
I'm not sure if I've nailed it, but I think I have.

I've struggled with the season of life I'm in.
Not because it's bad or tough,
but because it is.

Changing seasons can be hard.
Especially when that change is because of circumstances outside my choosing/control/desire.

I kept finding myself saying, "it just wasn't suppose to be this way".

For the last 20 years I had this picture, 
this dream in my mind of what life would be like when I was 40.

I'd have no kids at home.
I'd be working at or toward my new "dream job".
I'd be working outside the home.
Steve and I would have evenings to walk the beach,
weekends to sleep in,
romantic dinners,
I figured about now we would be considering a move back north...
...and the list goes on.

But that's not my reality.
I have a 3-year-old,
a 21-year-old living in back bedroom (a room that has become a ministry bedroom)
and my youngest son is moving back home after a year away at college (he realized commuting to college is cheaper than living there).
My job is the same as it's been for 22 years and looks like it has another 15 to go.
I work inside the home still,
Steve and I rarely walk the beach, if ever,
my weekends certainly do not involve sleeping or
romantic dinners and well let's just say my home is here, south of the Mason-Dixon line in the sunny south.

I've had to let go of some dreams
and really let them die.
They just won't happen in my time frame or happen at all.
I've let them go.

It's only when things die that new life can come;
new dreams can grown.

Perhaps God is in the business of raising some of those dreams back to life,
perhaps He has something new and fresh to grow from the ashes?

Whatever the case, it's been a tough.

A tough changing of seasons- not much looks or feels or is the same around here.

New is happening.
New is good.
I have chosen to embrace the newness,
of course this embracing followed a tough season of depression and negative self-talk. Hashing out my inner most thoughts with God, crying out, soaking my pillow. 

Oh how thankful I am that He is there, ready to listen, take on my pain, catch my tears;
ever so gently and full of mercy He helps me up and on with my life here on planet earth. 

The Lord is compassionate and gracious, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love, from Psalm 103

In some ways I've come full circle.
In the same place I was 22 years ago.
Embarking on a new parenting journey, stepping into a new land, a new place. 
I find myself in a place I didn't dream in my own head
instead a place God has dreamed for me.

I have new opportunities and a growing event planning business
my love of travel is hopefully, Lord willing, taking on some form of a more public platform, visit that blog over here.

Life with a 3-year-old is a blessing, I learn so much from her every day, she reminds me of how fun life is, even when it doesn't go as planned.

How to laugh more,
love more,
play and get dirty more,
embrace the moment, the wind, the birds, the sun, the rain,
oh the rain- we dance in it a lot;

and to stand up and say no, because sometimes a firm hands on the hips, single foot stomp "no" is in order. 

I've learned the joy and the pain of moving children out of the house ----
and the joy and pain of moving others in.

I have learned that it is through living under the same roof with strangers that we learn 
and practice grace 
and mercy 
and love.

So that's where I've been,
cleaning off sticky messes,
peeling my head off soggy pillows,
moving furniture
and trusting and believing God that this new season is worth all the pain, disappointment, letting go and dying.

I am looking at where He's brought me.
The waters that have been parted
and the dry ground I have had the opportunity to walk on.

We've come full circle God and I and this time I can look at my rocks of remembrance and bravely enter this new season.

So while it hasn't been rainbows and unicorns
the black clouds have reminded me of how brilliantly the light of Christ shines with a dark backdrop
and the ogres, well they aren't unicorns but they sure do make me laugh!

enjoy your day and smile

I Am Still Alive

Sweet!
I'm back.
I have been gone and shut down the blog for while because I was having some posting issues.
Like couldn't access my account issues.
#autologinissues

However, I figured those issues out and can post again!
And.... am posting from a real deal, big girl laptop. What you may not have known is that for over a year now I have been without a laptop or home computer of any kind.
I miss that.
I like word processing documents and have a bit of a love for a good excel worksheet.

News!
Big News!!
On September 29th we officially adopted Aubry!!
Her birth certificate arrived yesterday and I cried.
Yes!
The 1,053 days she was in foster care we considered her ours,
but when we stood in that courtroom 
and the judge said it'd be as if we had given birth to her, 
that she'll be a full heir to our inheritance.
We cried.

It was real. 
And permanent.

When her birth certificate arrived with OUR NAMES ON IT-- I cried, again, and hugged the lawyers secretary, who I'd never seen before.
Finally.
No more court dates and visitation.
No more I have to do this or that.

Aubry fell and got a decent knee scrap and I didn't have to call one. single. state. agency. glory!
I stopped documenting coughs and sneezing and I can leave the state, county and country on a whim.
#canidothatsoonplease

I can now tell her full story and it's something I hope to do.
Her fiery furnace beginning and her week stay in the NICU, her miraculous life- truly a gift and blessing from her Creator God.

In other news:
I've deleted my Facebook and stepped away from Instagram and twitter for a whole year; and it's been one of the best decisions of 2014 for me.

1 whole year.
Best decision, 
however you all now have to deal with hashtags that lead no where, simply because of this love affair I have with them.

If this were a newspaper this next news would be a headline:
I've turned 40 years old,
....
ditched some dead weight people in my life,
downloaded all of Taylor Swifts albums,
came in second place in a hola-hoop contest (I think that 11 year old cheated),
have gotten rid of 80% of my wardrobe
and sadly not had the time, opportunity or desire to create pallet signs lately.

Oh and I have dived back into studying God's Word. 
When we eat good food again we crave it more and more. 
Oh how I love the Word of God, rich and filling, sharp 
and deep-breath-life-changing.

What about you guys, who even reads this thing anymore?
Give me a shout out please!! I'd appreciate it.

Until next time, I'll be eating chocolate cookies my mom left and trying to wean myself off of sweet tea, and I promise to start posting more pictures.
xoxo

Packing the Dinner Table in Your Knapsack

So my family and I haven't regularly sat around a dinner table together in years!

I read a recent FB post on family dinners and my heart ached a little, my initial reaction was "I want the family dinners like they have";
but they're not my family. 

They are a great family and they do family well but what fits them doesn't necessarily fit us all, and that's OK.

I am a fan of family dinners and we enjoyed them for many years but then, suddenly, for us- life happened. 
With that the family dinner slipped away from our reach.

But this is not a story of how I feel my family is out of touch with one another, 
on the contrary; 
this is a story of how we live life together.
How we've packed the family dinner table into our knapsacks and taken it on the road.

Family dinner was replaced with lunch at dad's shop
or a car ride just the lot of us laughing the whole way.

I am a big fan of family bonding around the dinner table and I think we're headed that way again soon but until then I'll take the conversations driving him to work, 
the late night bedroom chats 
and the last minute meet-ups at movie sets!! 

So if family dinner isn't working for you, find something else; a way to bond and connect, to make memories and create moments.

What are some ways you connect with your family?

Here's a link to some themed family nights we've done

Love is deep

Happy November.
I can't believe this year is almost over.
Aubry will be 2 years old this month, wow!
It seems like yesterday I got the call saying I was the guardian/parent of a newborn baby girl.

1 week.
That's the time we had to prepare to bring a baby home.
No time to pick out wall colors or bedding themes,
no time to shop for baby furniture or clothes.

The girls at work threw us a baby shower the day after she came home form the hospital..
We got a tone of stuff!
and then for the last 2 years we've been overflowing with blessings.

We go to court next week; this time asking the judge to change the case plan from "reunification" to "adoption". Both her parents agree Aubry should stay in our home; so now they need to sign over their rights. 
I can't imagine making that decision.

Of course I think that's what's best for Aubry.

So I trust this whole process to the Lord.

Life is looking a little different now; Aubry bio-dad's side of the family makes visits as does her bio-mom. It's kind of a divorce family meets adoption with a whole lotta love stirred in.

Ya know I love her like my own kid.
No different.
Not that I thought I wouldn't love her a ton, I just didn't realize this magnitude of love.

I am amazed at the length of love.
The depth of it. 
Having my own kids is when the roots of love grew deep in my heart; then it overflowed to Steve.
It would be years before I'd feel that love for a student, a friend, a sister.
But there is something about your own kids. You hug them, love them, shake your head at them.
They amaze you,
baffle you and frustrate you beyond all comprehension.

They warm your heart,
bless it, melt it, make it smile
and sometimes break it right inside your chest.

Oh that's how I feel for Aubry May, deep rooted love grown on my inside.
Oh how I trust and hope this adoption goes through.

Well I'v been laying low on this subject because I just don't always know what to say, what to share and when. I'll be back with an update.

For now there is a birthday to plan, Thanksgiving to be hosted, family in town and then a fabulous trip with Illana, Stevie and their parents.

I leave you with this from Philippians chapter 4
"...the Lord is at hand, be anxious for nothing..."

If you need that reminder then claim it, grab it, believe it.
Look at your hand, the Lord is there, He's got it- so enjoy it!!!

Love a little more today, the one you wanna avoid,

Where'd My Joy Go?

Somehow,
somewhere along the road of my journey I lost my joy.
Lost may be a far fetched word and I most likely choose to misplace it.
Misdirect it.
OK, so like my hairbrush, my wallet and my keys, I lost it.
For now.
or,
for then.

I'm getting it back.
Slowly.
But it's coming.

JOY
Jesus
Others
Yourself

As I sat across my kitchen counter I asked her, "what's the deal with joy?"
She shared the above acronym and the tears swelled up.
"I don't even need to share with you what I wanted to share" I said
"For all I have to say deals with me."

See I was trying to spell joy, yoj or yjo.
Either way I was working hard at making the "y" sound say the "j" sound.
Working hard and keeping me first and wondering why I was hating it.

So I "googled" joy in my Bible app.
The list was long.
God has a lot to say about joy.

"Rejoice in hope
be patient in tribulation
be constant in prayer." Romans 12:12

Rejoice in hope. My hope in in Christ and Christ alone. My rejoicing, my joy comes from that hope.
My hope can not rely on circumstances, job, address, bank account, closet, dreams, future, husband, kids; 
no 
my hope, 
my source of rejoicing------lies in the Lord. 
It's simple.
Jesus--- that's the start of joy.

"When they saw the star,
they rejoiced exceedingly with great joy" Matthew 2:10

That refers to the wise men when the star they were following came to a halt above the place where Jesus was.
The place where he was.
Did you get that? It wasn't when they saw him or heard him speak, they just knew he was near.
They rejoiced exceedingly with great joy. That's a lot of joy.
and yet they hadn't even seen Jesus yet.
They just knew he was near.
How often to I demand a sighting?
He is near.
That my friends is worth rejoicing over- and rejoicing with exceedingly great joy.

I want that.

So I could share more but for now it's that simple.
I need it simple.

Life is complicated enough with late nights with toddlers and teenagers.
Preparing and cooking meals,
taxiing kids and staying on a budget.
Laundry and housework, friends and family;
yeah life is complicated and I desire for simple.

Simple things like Jesus.
Finding my joy in him.
Resting in Him.

From Jesus my joy can grow,
is growing,
has grown.

So to you, I ask...
where is your joy from?
The everlasting or the temporal?
The One who all hope rests in or the fleeting hope of the world?

Have joy,

Thoughts Fading Away

So life has been happening.

Between Justin heading out on a mission trip, running our own business, living with a 21 month old and organzing a local kids club last week we've been busy.

The Florida heat seems to be hotter than usual this year.

I've had the chance to make my first commisioned and paid for pallet sign and have several more in the line-up. Not sure where that is taking me but I sure do enjoy making those signs.

I've also still been making an effort to slim down my life.

Tossing out tons of items, from clothes to kitchen stuff, furniture and decor.

The more I get rid of the more I want to get rid of.

Yet, somehow I seem to be an over endulged American.

I've also been sliming down on the time I spend away from my home; somehow in this 20 year marriage journey my love for all things home has slipped.

I don't enjoy the things at home I use to enjoy.

I think it's two-fold;

Time. 

I've spent a whole lot of years here at home and in the first 10 years of our marriage we moved a lot- 7 times to be exact;

and now we've been still for right over 10 years. Same place.

Same floor plan.

Same walls.

Second, influences.

Not necessarily on purpose but certain people, groups and to some extent the world around me says "do more", "be more", "go more".

I've found myself falling into a works based mentality.

I'm working on changing all that.

Slowly.

It's a process as life is.

So far... this slower life is working out nicely; well of course except the negative thoughts I've been sharing with myself, but that's another blog post and that's an issue covered in prayer so I'm standing on the promise that those negative thoughts will be fading away.

So the internet is back in our house

and I'm liking it.

May you consider a simpler day to day.

Or may you not.

Until then

peace, love and Jesus,

Refraining the Embrace

What you do not know about my recently life is that I have been painfully thinking about whether I will travel to Detroit with our high school students on our summer mission trip.

Painful.

Yes, decisions can be like this, with my heart pulling one direction and mind another. The pros and cons equaling out.

It's never been much of a decision in the past.

I love students,

I serve students all year long, 

so travelling with them on their summer mission trip is just what we do.

Until,

life happens.

Until...

I have a 20 month old,

and court dates

and possible major life changes occurring.

Sometimes when you can't see what lies ahead it can make a decision like going on a mission trip really, really painful.

So, I spent some time in serious fasting and prayer, sought wise counsel and made the decision yesterday to NOT go to Detroit this summer.

Boo---

:(

i know, get your tissues out

When I sent the text making my no-go final, my heart was at peace

and

my mind felt a weight lifted;

a weight I didn't realize I was even carrying around.

And I smiled, really big.

Cause as happy as I am in the picture above, I am just as happy now.

Trust me I don't wanna be happy about this,

I love Detroit.

The people,

the sights, the stories.

I love watching God move in hearts and grow students and adults alike.

I like the community of believers;

yep I said it, I like the community and fellowship I get to experience while sleeping and eating and playing in conditions less than perfect.

Most of all I think I'll miss this:

Driving a bunch of kids around, music blaring, hands waving-- yeah I'm gonna miss that.

A. Lot.

I'll miss saying "I'll see ya tomorrow" and "what'd you learn at Big A?"

I'll miss the car conversations with teens and the hugs from pre-teens.

I'll miss their smiles and their attitudes.

I'll straight up miss the kids.

And then there's her----

Lord willing I'll see her graduate this year and for that I am thankful; because of that it makes my Detroit Mission "no-go" decision easier.

I'll miss him---

but again Lord willing I'll see him soon.

And hug him. And snuggle, cause that what we've done since he was 2.

But one summer in the drop of a bucket of dozens of summers is nothing.

For I'll go back.

I plan to go back.

I better go back.

"For everything there is a season and a time for every matter under heaven...

a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing"

-Ecclesiastes 3:1,5b

For me this summer it is a time to embrace my family, my children and my home 

a time to refrain from embracing my "norm".

I already miss my week in Detroit.

Peace to all as I have peace,