Refraining the Embrace

What you do not know about my recently life is that I have been painfully thinking about whether I will travel to Detroit with our high school students on our summer mission trip.

Painful.

Yes, decisions can be like this, with my heart pulling one direction and mind another. The pros and cons equaling out.

It's never been much of a decision in the past.

I love students,

I serve students all year long, 

so travelling with them on their summer mission trip is just what we do.

Until,

life happens.

Until...

I have a 20 month old,

and court dates

and possible major life changes occurring.

Sometimes when you can't see what lies ahead it can make a decision like going on a mission trip really, really painful.

So, I spent some time in serious fasting and prayer, sought wise counsel and made the decision yesterday to NOT go to Detroit this summer.

Boo---

:(

i know, get your tissues out

When I sent the text making my no-go final, my heart was at peace

and

my mind felt a weight lifted;

a weight I didn't realize I was even carrying around.

And I smiled, really big.

Cause as happy as I am in the picture above, I am just as happy now.

Trust me I don't wanna be happy about this,

I love Detroit.

The people,

the sights, the stories.

I love watching God move in hearts and grow students and adults alike.

I like the community of believers;

yep I said it, I like the community and fellowship I get to experience while sleeping and eating and playing in conditions less than perfect.

Most of all I think I'll miss this:

Driving a bunch of kids around, music blaring, hands waving-- yeah I'm gonna miss that.

A. Lot.

I'll miss saying "I'll see ya tomorrow" and "what'd you learn at Big A?"

I'll miss the car conversations with teens and the hugs from pre-teens.

I'll miss their smiles and their attitudes.

I'll straight up miss the kids.

And then there's her----

Lord willing I'll see her graduate this year and for that I am thankful; because of that it makes my Detroit Mission "no-go" decision easier.

I'll miss him---

but again Lord willing I'll see him soon.

And hug him. And snuggle, cause that what we've done since he was 2.

But one summer in the drop of a bucket of dozens of summers is nothing.

For I'll go back.

I plan to go back.

I better go back.

"For everything there is a season and a time for every matter under heaven...

a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing"

-Ecclesiastes 3:1,5b

For me this summer it is a time to embrace my family, my children and my home 

a time to refrain from embracing my "norm".

I already miss my week in Detroit.

Peace to all as I have peace,

When Peace Moves In

So last Saturday, Aubry, Steve and I headed to a local park.
Then Aubry's bio-dad showed up.
deep breath

The visit went very well. He is doing good and seemed genuinely happy to meet his daughter. I've hashed over all the details with local friends and so I am a little "worded out" on this subject.

We are trusting God like never before.
Resting in His peace that Jesus left us.
Knowing He knows what's best for Aubry May, knowing He loves her more than anyone else in this situation.
Asking boldly and with confidence that we will remain Aubry's primary care givers.

So I hang on tight to the back of this bike (see previous post) unable to see clearly where this road is leading but doing my best to laugh and enjoy the ride. May the joy of the Lord fill my heart and may I look differently at every day of this life I wake up to, for I never know what it will really hold.

Have a peaceful day,

When You Can't See

Isn't life like this picture?
While we think we may be steering or perhaps we are fooled to think our feet are actually leading us when in fact we are like Aubry May, standing, holding on, clueless as to what really lies ahead.

Aubry's last court date was back in April.
We were headed north on a plane when her court date went down so we got to miss out on the waiting and the judge and the legal terms and the blah, blah, blah.

Long story short--- nothing has changed. We still remain Aubry's relative caregivers and her bio-parents have an extended time to "get their stuff together".

Only time will tell.

I'm not sure how I feel about our court system;
often I see it as a highly dysfunctional system and other times I see how it got to where it is and why it must chug along the way it does.

I was happy that it was made official on the last set of documents that we do in fact wish to adopt little Miss Aubry May.
I was happy the judge got to read that,
the lawyers and parents got to read that
and now all I can do is hang on and wait blindly to see what the outcome will be.

With all of this taking place and Aubry talking more and more it's got me thinking about telling her about her story.

I've let the state know that Aubry will always know she is adopted, that if we do in fact adopt her, we'll always be open about who her bio-mom and bio-dad are as well as keep their dirty laundry under raps. We've been asked if we'd allow them to see her and our response is yes, as long as they are in a state to see her we would not deny her that.

I've wondered though, how will I tell her.
What will it sound like?
Last night I began to jot down her story in the form of a children's book,
one we could read to her as she grows that would tell her life and highlight the people and events that have made her story unique and wonderful.
Aubry May is loved by many and I want her to know that.
I want her to see her significance in Christ and know without a doubt that her bio-parents behavior reflects nothing on her.

I don't know.
Only time will tell.
Until then, I'll hold on and trust in The One who knows what lies ahead.

*so I wrote this post last Friday, May 17; then at 1:27 while I was proofing it a phone call came in.
From CPC.
It was Aubry's case worker calling to say Aubry's biological father dad called and wanted to set up visitation with Aubry.
It will be his first visit with her.
So trust what we can't see is obviously something I need to live out right now.
With a calm heart,

Simple Living

Housekeeping does not always fall on the top of my to-do list. After a full day of crafting with friends and their kids I sometimes have no desire to pick up a trashed house so I just go to bed; sometimes it's my schedule that keeps me hopping so housework has to wait. Mostly it's my desire for fun over work.

Either way when all our stuff is out it can drive me nuts!

I can feel overwhelmed and cluttered.

Like the Wallflowers song One Headlight, I look at my house and think "sometimes I think I'd like to watch it burn".

Simple.

I like things to be simple.

Recipes, relationships, my day.

While not all things can be and are simple there are some things that I have control over that can be simple. While I don't think I've ever lived a super complicated life I have lived a cluttered life, things, over-committed calendar, jam packed full pantry and closet, I've been there and have been slowly working on simple.

Here are a few ways I've cut back.

Parties.

I've always been a simple party girl. Using household items on hand for decor and keeping presents to one, maybe two. OK, so there was that one Christmas where we bought WAY too many gifts, what a learning experience that was; but for birthdays I've never been a huge, rent a circus, feed the town kind of party thrower. Simple, meaningful, fun.

Our books.

A few years ago I really weeded out our books.

Yikes!

We love books but as I looked around my house I realized some books were better off in circulation where others could read them. I kept a few favorites, the classics and reference books. This freed up not only shelves but pieces of furniture was left empty and given away making our space simpler.

Our checkbook.

By refusing to buy things that serve no purpose or refusing to buy something new that I could get used or on the side of the road it simplified balancing our checkbook. Spending only cash helps with this too but I found that not spending makes things simple.

Food.

More recently I've started to simplify our food and meals.

Instead of grocery shopping weekly I look to my pantry and just shop when I really need to. Couponing has allowed me to build up a stockpile but I've found it's simpler to begin eating down on that stockpile as soon as it created. Some weeks I don't even look to sale fliers and saving websites because I'd rather not buy it than to buy it on sale. This does bug me when I wonder if I'm missing out on a really, really good deal or a free deal, but I'd rather have the simpler schedule and simpler pantry.

Clothes.

Most recently I've been working on my closet. Over 20 years ago I heard of a 10 item wardrobe and I've dreamed of it ever since. Each time I thought I was ready to go there I looked at my closet and just couldn't get rid of everything but 10 items. Last week I decided to go for it, kind of.

I packed up the majority of my clothes into the suitcase in the picture above and kept out the essentials. By packing them p and not giving all those extra clothes away I have a sense of security.

What?

Did I just type that?

Did I just put my security in my pile of clothes? I think I did.

Oh no, perhaps I really do need to give those clothes away.

Anyway...

Currently my closet consists of:

2 pair jeans

2 pair shorts

2 pair of jean capris

2 pair of work jeans (mission trip staple)

10 tank tops (my main staple, need to thin this number)

5 t-shirts (traditional kind, wear these on mission trips)

5 nicer t-shirts (my other staple)

2 dresses (rarely wear)

2 skirts

1 button down shirt

1 cardigan

1 black blazer

1 brown blazer

1 white blazer

1 navy blazer

2 dress shirts

1 pair black dress pants

shoes-- lets not address that right now

jewelry -- I have far too much for someone who hasn't changed her earrings since 1999

6 hats

scarves (didn't count, they take up very little space)

I know, far from 10 items and making this list has inspired me to slim down my closet even more.

Wondering what I can do next to live simpler.

Instead of going all out simple I am finding it easier to make one small change at a time.

So I wonder, how do you live simple? 

What idea do you have to share with me?