27 BIBLE VERSES FOR A BETTER MINDSET FOCUS

God’s love is like no other love. It is unchanging, has no strings attached and meets you right where you are. Often we get drug down by life but when our mind is steadfast on Him it changes things.

Chaos has calm,

confusion, clarity.

I encourage you to spend 10 minutes on each verse below, or pick a verse for the week and read it over and over, write it down, paint it on a canvas or your notebook cover, think on it, pray over it, and read the verses around it. 

Bottom line: you can’t go wrong when you spend time in God’s Word and in relationship with Him.

1. Exodus 20:5-6

2. Deuteronomy 7:9

3. Isaiah 54:10

4. Psalms 51:1 

5. Psalm 86:15 

6. Psalms 89:1-2

7. Psalms 103:1-2

8. Psalms 103:17-18

9. Nehemiah 9:17

10. Jeremiah 31:3

11. 1 John 4:16

12. 1 John 4:18

13. John 3:16

14. Romans 5:8

15. 1 John 3:1

16. 2 Thessalonians  3:5

17. Joel 2:12-13

18. Revelation 1:5

19. Zephaniah 3:17

20. 1 John 4:9-11

21. Romans 8:37-39

22. Galatians 2:20

23. Ephesians 2:4-5

24. John 15:13

25. Colossians 3:12-14

26. Lamentations 3:21-26

27. Jude 21

Don't Lose Heart My Friend

Some days I go back to 2 Corinthians 4:16–18, and I just sit with it, because it’s true to the bone. We don’t lose heart… but wow, life gives us plenty of reasons to try. As single moms and single women over 46, we’ve walked through hardship we never asked for and seasons that felt like they’d never end. We carry so much—quietly, faithfully, and often without anyone really seeing the weight of it.

And this is exactly why I cherish a getaway. Yes, it’s fun and full of adventure, but it’s also the one place where I’m not “everything” to everyone. Back home, I’m trusting God, but I’m also the one working to pay the bills… making sure we eat… keeping the clothes clean… parenting, guiding, shaping, discipling. I’m the lawn crew, the house maintenance department, the emotional support team, and the Uber driver for my daughter. I’m not complaining—just being honest. And I know you get it.

So hear me when I say this: begin to schedule a getaway for yourself. Whether it’s just you or a group of women who get your life and your heart—go. Disney, a cruise, a road trip, an all-inclusive Caribbean escape… it doesn’t matter where you go. The value of stepping away, breathing different air, and remembering who you are outside of your responsibilities? Priceless.

But whether you go or you don’t, remember this: God already told us that in this world we will have trouble—but to take heart, because He has overcome the world.

And He also tells us:

“Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.” — 2 Corinthians 4:16–18

You’re held. You’re seen. And you’re allowed to rest.

-Michelle

When Forgiveness Is Hard

Forgiveness. 

Webster says forgiveness is the act of forgiving.

Forgiving: to cease to feel resentment against (an offender)

Resentment: a feeling of indignant displeasure or persistent ill will at something regarded as a wrong, insult or injury.

I saw the women my ex left me for at my daughters soccer game last night and I realized I have not forgiven her. 

I mean I have and yet I haven't, can this back and forth forgiveness even exist? I feel like Paul doing what I don't want to do. 

She, this affair partner of my husband at the time, had claimed to be my friend, which I now see was all a ploy for them to be together, she was the kind of girl so insecure that she was looking for a man who would tell her all the things and she didn't care that he was married.

I think my biggest struggle with the whole thing is that there has never been any "I'm sorry" or "I did lie, I was cheating with your husband" No, there is nothing. her last words to me were how much of a horrible mother I was, the worst she had ever seen.

I was only nice to her, opening my home and my life to her.

She is an addict and alcoholic, I met her when she had relapsed and was in need of people to do life with, I felt called to help her. She had lost her license for habitual DUIs and so I drove her to work, to probation, doctors appointments. we even went to Disney together and back to visit her family in the Florida panhandle. Little did I know, she was looking out for her own good and was doing drugs with my husband and stealing money from me.

But she doesn't know the Lord, why would I expect anything else from her, and in reality why would I even expect myself to behave any different.

I too am a horrible sinner saved by grace.

Oh that grace.

That grace was given to me, Lord God I want to extend that grace to her.

I desire to fully understand it in my own life and to extend it to her.

I want to extend that grace to the women who looked me in the face and called me friend, all the while stabbing me in the back slowly and painfully over 10 months.

I need Your strength Lord Jesus because my flesh wanted to punch her in the face when I saw her.

Oh forgive me for such little faith.

You're always doing a NEW thing God and I am excited to see what tis new thing is!

So if you are struggling to forgive, tell God about it, use my prayer above. we can not let unforgiveness stick around, we simply can not.

Be blessed my friend,

Michelle

Why I Deactivated Social Media

I've completely deactivated my FB and IG.

I was tired of seeing posts about my friend who took her own life. The memories of her, questions as to why and a string of posts blaming her ex alcoholic husband she was trying to divorce had me disliking and feeling sad on many levels.

We had become closer of the years; our friendship started as a mentorship, she to me and then slowly over the years it switched to a friendship and then in the end, I helped her along this journey.

I was about 3 years ahead of her in a divorce battle, my ex a narcotic addict, hers an alcoholic. 

There are so many of us out there trying to make sense of life after living long term with an addict.

The lies, the constant questioning our reality, being told what we are experiencing isn't real.

l

I remember my ex taking hours in the bathroom, literal hours. It was hard to plan anything and his response was always, "No, it wasn't that long, you're impatient, you don't know" Then I would time him to prove to myself that I was not making it up, it really was a very long time, and then I would show him the timer and that he did indeed take hours to get ready in the bathroom. His response "Who does that? You're crazy to be timing me.  Who does that?' To which I would think "I am crazy, be patient, be kind, put others before you Michelle."

She dealt with that too. My friend who died.

She had be been cheated on for years and yet somehow she thought she was to blame; that somehow his rudeness was her fault.

So I deactivated social media and I also turn my phone off regularly; I do not want to be distracted from taking my eyes off of the real world in front of my face. I do not want to connect with people online who quite honestly could care less about me (more on that to come).

So to anyone divorcing an alcoholic or drug addict I encourage you to hang in there. To seek God and His Word, to know what God says about you.

You are loved.

God has always been there.

He loves you just as you are, right where you are.

-m

Wanting to Blog More - So Just Doing it More Regularly

So I am taking back what I can.

I want to give up often; starting life over at age 46 and now being 50, I can be hesitant about starting new with some fear of it all just falling apart again.

But that's not me.

I simply can not quit or give up, it is just not in my nature and I spent many years doing it to the detriment of my mental health; but that is the past and while glancing in the rearview is allowed it is just a glance.

So today was pressure washing the dog patio and yard and general yard work.

I have dreams and goals of using this property for God's glory on a larger level than He is using it now.

I will start by hosting craft events here and then who knows what; I am proceeding with open hands and a willing heart.

First 3.5 years Single - A Memoir

The first year was legit crazy.

I went from a cushy work from home gig doing what I wanted, when I wanted for the most part. My ex and I had spent 16 years growing a business that was finally allowing us/me to finally have some financial and tie freedom.

So when he left I was thrown into the workforce.

But I had boundaries, still have boundaries, on my work hours.

I worked 4 days a week at one job and then found a night time job as a server at the local Thai place. I worked 42-60 hours a week.

My bills got paid.

We got to travel.

Work hard, play hard.

We had a blast, but boy that first year was crazy.

Next up came year two. I not longer left my day job at the dog kennel I was working at to babysit dogs our of my home, then the Thai place closed down. 

I made it 3 months before I got notice I was losing "homestead exemption" on the home I was living in and paying for; yes, my ex had contacted the local property appraiser, letting them know he didn't live there anymore. MY MONTHLY MORTGAGE PAYMENT WHEN UP BY $500 OVERNIGHT!

That's when I went to Facebook and answered a job for tree sales; I would become what is known as a "walker". I would spend the next 3 months walking 10,000 - 20,000 steps a day knocking doors and selling tree work.

I will say this about tree sales: when it pays, it PAYS.

Anyway it was while walking for the second tree company that I was poached by a solar company to walk for them.

that lasted all of a month or two before I realized this was not the game for me.

I then took 5 weeks off and spent it in NH doing a little side work for friends and renting out a room to a traveling nurse back at the FL home.

Year 2 being single was coming to a close and I got a call from the dog kennel, would I want to come back and teach dog kindergarten, they had a much better name for the program but essentially I did arts and crafts and reinforced the basics with dogs, who at this point intime becoming my favorite people on the planet; calling dogs people is a blog post all its own for another time.

So year 3 single started as me being trained as I trained dogs to pass their Canine Good Citizen Test. What a fun job it was. I helped dogs balance on balance beams, jump over poles, sit still at parks and not chase the ducks at the river. While a very rewarding job it is hard work training dogs and this almost 50 year old was having major surgery so 8 months in, I said goodbye from the dog training world and began a year of decline.

That's all I can really call it, starting a few months before the 3 year anniversary of being left by my ex of 27 years 8 months and 2 weeks, I had a complication to my initial surgery and was rushed into emergency surgery just a week before a dog sitting job in NYC. That was the last of the last for me that 4th year being single. I'm not sure what happened as I am still finishing it up but I do know that it has been a year of shedding the old and stepping into something new.

My employment has settled down as I am back in bookkeeping/accounting world, this time I've learned about taxes!! Yes I am really excited for this new skill.

I am still watching dogs in my home. I just had 6 dogs at my place this last weekend and am in the middle of a 2 week 3x a day dog walking gig; so that little side gig has worked out pretty good, praise the Lord.

And that is what this is about, praising the Lord.

It's about a life that doesn't give up and does what it takes to get the job done.

Stick to it, stay close to God.

My pastor shared the story of Mary and Martha.

Be Mary. If you'd don't know the story, you can read it in the Bible.

Stay close to Jesus friends, remember God's hand is in your life, look for it and cling to His steadfastness, His never changing steadfast love for you.

{unedited version}

xoxo

-m

Pursuing Goals and doing hard things.

Pursuing goals and doing hard things.

I've never been a goal setter.

I've just gone out and done the thing.

While it has served me well, it has also been the thorn in my side when it comes to completing things.

I use to dislike this about myself and felt like something was wrong with me.

I've been accused of being a church hopper and an all "over the place kind of girl"; both are true, to some degree, they are also part of the story of an entrepreneurial women.

All of this to say I have some 5 year goals for the first time ever in my life.

Yippee! 

You're never too old to try something new, start something new, or be someone new.

So here's to 2025-2030, may the years be filled with new experiences, new adventures and lots of laughs.

xoxo

-M

My Hair Is Coming Out in Clumps

My hair has been falling out and it is a struggle.

When I say falling out I mean like a lot.

My hairline has receded back and the parts in my hair show so much more white skin.

Hormones?

Stress?

Thyroid?

Yes, yes and yes.

I could use prayer, I'm struggling with this one.

Another bump in the road.

I don't wanna be bald again.

I don't want patchy hair.

I will do what comes my way, and until then let's all just relax in the fact that God loves us so much and has good works for us to do, may we do them no matter what our head looks like.

And let's face it I'm struggling to think I'll be alone forever; however, there is so much more to that story.

-Michelle

When it's Best to Sing

Lately I've been wondering where God is?

Like where is He right now in my life?

Recently I have just felt like He isn't here with me, I mean how could he be? 

My life feels so lonely and I wonder if I'll be alone forever.

Yet I'm not alone.

My house is a lot to care for and I am wondering when I won't have to work so many hours day and night.

I have an amazing family who I get to spend time with yet my work schedule has my daughter most often with her older brother and his family, I have accused myself of being a horrible mom.

Anxiety has crippled me like never before as my health the last year HAD slowing faded into a malnourished momma barely making it through each day; 2 hospital stays and a renewed hope has me on the up and up health wise.

Yet when I take the ACTION to PRAISE GOD IN THE MIDDLE OF THE STORM,

when I take the ACTION to SING A LITTLE LOUDER IN THE PRESENCE OF MY ENEMIES.......

When I fight this battle where it is being fought, the anxiety fades away, the joy comes, the peace follow. It just is what it is.

This ACTION can look like this..... I seek prayer from the Christian community, I share with close friends what's going on and I sit still with God in prayer and His Word, I serve His people and give thanks.

I'm headstrong and my brain pathways are pretty well trodden to quickly think the worse and then stubbornly stay there.

I am reminded over and over again to simply stop and sit with scripture, God's Word, the truth, for it is my sword, your sword in the battle.

Ephesians 6:12
For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.

Today, right now, I'm believing God and standing on His promises.

He loves me.

He's got me.

He's been there.

He love me.

I hope you can believe these truths with me and know that you are deeply loved by God.

XOXO

-M

From the Shadows to the Savior: My Quiet Truth About a Marriage Tied to Addiction

For a long time, I’ve kept quiet about a part of my story — the part that lived in the shadows, hidden behind curated smiles, church services, and successful career moves. But it’s time to talk about the elephant in the room.

Not because I want sympathy.
But because there’s freedom in the truth — and someone else needs to hear it, too.

🌒 Living on the Edge of Darkness

For years, I told myself I was simply adjacent to the mess. I was married to a man whose lifestyle involved drugs. A functioning addict. A provider, a charmer, a man who could still show up at times — but underneath it all was a world I refused to admit I was actually part of.

I believed I was staying faithful.
I told myself I was waiting on God to heal him.
I trusted that my prayers would be answered and our marriage would be redeemed.

But I missed something big.

⚠️ I Wasn’t on the Outskirts — I Was Inside It

It hit me one morning, almost casually.

I wasn’t just married to someone in the drug world — I was in it, too.

We weren’t even married a full year before I found myself breaking up weed on a table so the joint rollers could do their thing. I helped prepare product. I was a cog in the machine. The “business” wasn’t just his — I was moving pieces.

And yet, I never saw a dime.
I never even saw me.

I wasn’t just being used by him.
I was also disconnected from myself, from my worth, from what God says about me.

🙏 But Then Came Grace

Here’s the truth that brings me peace:
Jesus didn’t come to condemn me.
He came to set me free.

Not just from that marriage.
Not just from the drug culture.
But from the lie that I was only valuable when I was useful to someone else.

Romans 8:1-2 tells us:

“Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus, the law of the Spirit who gives life has set you free from the law of sin and death.”

Today, I walk in that freedom.

And if you’re reading this — if you’ve been hiding your own truth, trying to figure out where your role ended and his began — I want you to know this:

You are not dirty. You are not broken. You are not condemned.

You are seen.
You are loved.
You are being called higher.

By grace. Through truth. With love.

Jesus loves you — and so do I.

xoxo,
m

Keep On

When life has you wanting to quit..... keep on.

When parenting has you wanting to quit.... keep on.

When marriage has you wanting to quit... keep on.

Keep on.

Keep on going to God's Word.

Keep on thanking God for WHO HE IS.

Keep on observing His presence all around you.

Keep on praying and pressing on toward the real goal; the goal that we are to be Jesus to a dying world, to make and grow disciples.

So today, whatever you're facing... keep on.

Jesus loves you and so do I.

-M

Surviving Cancer gets one thinking...

The thing about surviving cancer is watching those around you get a cancer diagnosis.

I know what they are facing.

And then again I don't know.

Cancer is so unique to every person.

The type, the size, the location.

Then add in people lives.

No two are are the same, so no two cancer diagnosis are the same.

No two faith walks are the same.

God knit us together so unique and perfect that out journey is just that, ours.

Take cancer out of it.

Life is simply hard; no one gets left out of the hard.

The question is how will we respond?

I struggled this last week with hope.

I had lost it, 

...............or at least I felt that way.

The I went to God's Word and read this:

Lamentations 3:21-24

This I recall to mind,

Therefore I have hope.

The LORDS lovingkindnesses indeed never cease, 

for His compassions never fail.

They are new every morning;

Great is Your faithfulness.

"The Lord is my portion" says my soul,

therefore I have hope in Him. 

I had shifted my hope from The LORD, to the temporal, :( .... I was thinking on what I see here in the physical world, playing some things out in how I see things. no bueno

HOWEVER, my story doesn't stop there....

.... God truly never ceases to amaze me: when I shift my focus to His Word;

His way, His mindset.

Peace follows.

Joy comes.

Life is hard my friends.

God is good.

Let's be growing in Christ and be the hands and feet of Jesus to the world around us, 

in our unique position and lot in life.

May we be able to say this...

"we rejoice in our sufferings knowing that,

suffering produces endurance,

endurance produces character and 

character produces hope and

hope does not put us to shame because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us." 

-Romans 5:3-5

And when life is in a calmer, less stormy "good" season, rejoice in the Lord always, and again I say rejoice, let your gentleness be known to all. (Phil 4:4,5)

I hope you are encouraged by this post.

If you have been, 

please let me know in the comments below.

I am hoping to journal more here to encourage you in the your own day to day.

It is my heart that you can face life knowing that God loves you and has your best in mind lean into His Word.

xoxo

-m

Is This Really It?

I found myself, and to an extent still do at the time of typing, asking this question about my life.

Is this really it?

A life I once lived to it's fullest I now can struggle to barely live.

I'd rather retreat and be safe.

Staying home use to mean lots of entertaining and people, now it means quiet and alone, usually with a dog or two close by.

It's not that I'm necessarily wanting to withdraw and retreat, it's just how life has evolved to be right now.

I know this is a season; for me it feels like a "season of the sticks".

Bare bones living.

No fresh leaves on the trees or flowers in the field.

Just sticks hanging out.

They shed their leaves and not they wait, ready for the covering of a good winter snow.

Will they survive? or will the weight of winter break them?

Dry seasons do that, have you wondering if you'll survive? Questioning, trying to figure it out, waiting for the coming out of a sprout of the spring bud, that is hope; but first come the hard times, the stick season of winter.

And I'm okay with that, 80% of the time, may 90%.

It's that other 20% that is getting me down, holding me here in a time warp, not knowing what to do next, where to go or what to even dream.

See, I am a dreamer.

A BIG dreamer.

But dreaming has been hard lately.

I'm not even sure I know how anymore.

Divorcing after 27 years is what did it, or is what kicked this off.

See I had dreams for 27 years that involved me and my ex.

I can look back now and see those dreams were as lonely then as they are now, I just could lie to myself better then.

So while I do not know what these next steps are I do know where I am is where I am.

My job is my job.

My role as a mom hasn't changed, 

........I'm still a Yiayia to my grands, 

..........................daughter to my mom.

So why the sullen face?

Why do I still struggle?

Let me tell you why: I have an enemy of my soul.   

He hates me.

He tells me I am useless and can't dream anymore.

He says dreaming is a waste of time and settling is safer.

He tells me to stay quiet and home, I am no fun to be around after all, a bore. 

He reminds me of all the lies I ever believed or heard... and he tells me them again and again; sad part, I listen. It's easier that way.

So for today in this moment this is where I am at.

And that's ok.

I won't stay here; and this season of the sticks won't stay around forever; how do I know? 

Because I've been here before. 

Stick season.

No life seems to be anywhere around.

Then......

Then the Stick Season/dryness of life gathers heavy snow,

breaking weak branches off the trees and 

yet the same snow cover other branches with such balance and grace like a beautiful gymnast on a balance beam; ever so dainty and light.

I've watch the sticks sprout buds of white, 

then green, 

then color with fruit, leaves and flowers.

I'm gonna bet on my faith in Christ, His Holy Spirit in me and God loving me as my fuel to get through this life no matter the season.

I'll embrace this hand I've been dealt and never fold; what about you?

What/who are you leaning on/into?

 

XOXO

-m

Embrace 2025 With Me

I'm feeling the affects of 50 plus years of life on my body, and it freaks me out.

I don't like it.

I spend the majority of 2024 on bedrest, either because I was recovering from surgery or because I was spiraling down to 104# in an over active thyroid kind of way; but I'm good now.

Seeing Dogman with my grandson

Good because I am working with my doctors to solve this mystery and move on past the medical issues I have battled since 2016; while it seems appropriate to list the bad news here, I just can't do it. I can't do it because once I start down a road of the negative it seems to lead downhill and next thing I know I'm in a downhill spiral toward bad food and time choices, depressed and in an overall funk.

So while the aches and pains of 50 show up and the recovery road back to health for me has been slower than I want, I am thankful. Thankful I have a community of people around me, speaking truth to me; I'm glad I have a faith in a God who is who He says He is and does what he says He will do, like always love me, be there for me and has good for me, even when I don't see it.

So here's to 2025, a year of life giving growth, pressing on through the hard and CHOOSING what thoughts I will think on, what mind patterns I will travel most and what people I will reach out to.

Here's to you learning to like yourself, to love yourself.

Here's to us embracing the changes that always take place and doing it with grace and friendship.

And here's to me, showing up here, sharing my story so you can be encouraged to dare to live fully in the wild of life.

-m

Getting Real

As I sit here and look at my life and how God has brought me through so much. 

Just He and I. 

While the world burned all around me, there I sat; in the middle of my worst nightmare, with an uncanny peace, a calm deep down that finds warmth in the heat and joyful for a fresh start from the ground up.

So here I am almost 4 years later, the rebuilding has begun; it seems like we squatted as best we could in our home as I trained and retrained and then trained again, bouncing from dog jobs to sales jobs, to Walmart, weed trimming, housekeeping, waitressing, eventually landing a sweet bookkeeping gig.

Leaving me here, thankful and blessed with a Rock solid foundation and a deeper relationship with God.

I've been looking at these past years as a bit of a Wilderness Experience, but as I shed a layer of my past I look back with a different perspective, a knowledge of the truth of that Wilderness. The truth is this: it was and is a close, personal, intimate time with God, Jesus and Holy Spirit. So many times i found myself literally crying out to God, yelling, angry, happy, thankful, sad, joyful.... the whole thing, we went through it together.

Just He and I.

So now I press-on.

With a new thyroid issue and a hope of a miraculous healing, I press on toward a healthier lifestyle, even more time with the ones I love and a fresh desire and love for God, His Word and will for my life.

************

One another note, I am making progress on my book.

Life has thrown me a bunch and like many of you I was left to figure it out, start fresh and trust God.

Unsure of the name, have some ideas, but my heat is that this book would encourage women in their walk with God.

Loved by God, as are you, 

-Michelle

A Clean Sweep

This is not a travel post, it's just the intro and update. I have become a travel agent again.

I have been planning our family vacations since age 7 and helping friends and family travel for over 30 years and was a travel agent with World of Magic Travel from 2016-2021, so getting back in the industry has seemed natural.

This time around and Lord willing the last time, I am with an AMAZING agency called, Smart Moms Travel. I specialize in Disney, cruises and all-inclusive.

But that's not what this post is about.

This post is about a short disconnect I am going to have with social media. 

I enjoy using social media to build and online business. I'm getting ready to launch my travel agency, Michelle Spanos Travel Agent, LLC, and will use IG and FB to do so, I really enjoy connecting with clients and starting conversations about travel on social media.

This month I have been doing a 30-day Bible Reading Challenge. Once this challenge is complete, I will be wrapping up my social media time for 2024. 

I'll be logging off for social from Dec 1-31, 2024.

😁 Eeeeeeeeeekkkkkkkkk!!!!!!

I am excited to take this break.

I'm curious do you take social media breaks?

If so, how long? How often? What motivates it?

I'd love to hear so please do tell in the comments.

The last major break I took was in 2015, I took the entire year off. Looking back, it's kind of sad and kind of pleasing. Sad that I can't see that year and pleasing because I know I was enjoying the present.

🙏

This social media break is different. The motivation behind it is fueled not by social media negatively affecting me but a prompting from The Lord. 

I've been listening to a sermon on the parable of the women who lost the coin, she searched and search for it, sweeping the room to find what she had lost.

The speaker encouraged us to think of something we have lost and wish we could get back.

She had taken a poll and some of the answers were, innocence, virginity, joy....., whatever it is we have all lost something and sometimes just can't find it, but here's the deal- we can find it! 

In Jesus we can find it, we may not be able to actually get them back but with Jesus we can have purity, we can have joy, we ca be complete not lacking.

I want that.

The women swept the house; think about it, when looking for what was lost, you and me, we often need to do a clean sweep.

Talk about a clean sweep, I just got divorced after 27 years and 50 weeks.

For me, divorce was a clean sweep.

Everything in my life was swept away, my income/job, my husband, seeing my boys every day, getting to be home with my daughter, my ability to trust, my desire to see people, my self-esteem, my future dreams, so much was swept away, not one part of my life was left untouched. 

With all that swept away, I can now have clarity, I can find what God's Word says and have what I've lost, my joy, my happiness, my positivity, peace, back.

So, I'm looking forward to this clean sweep of a future I have, and I want to clean out the noise as well.

We live in a loud world.

Lots of voices and experiences bombard us every day and is why taking a social media break is so important.

So, join me.

Take a month off and why not December, it's a busy month anyway, why waste time on social media.

I'll still be blogging weekly, and I will be praying for you. Praying that your heart with be steadfast after Christ.

xoxo

-m

It Was the 2nd Time I Found Meth on Him

I paced around the house while on the phone with the Sheriff's office.

I had requested a sheriff come out to my house, I did not feel safe and I did not trust myself.

That morning I had discovered meth on my husband and then 30 minutes later found him curled up like a child on our tenant's bed, while she rubbed his head, it was sickening. I had suspected the relationship, they denied it, now I knew I was right.

Should have listened to my gut.

Oh that intuition, it really speaks volumes and most often the truth.

It's funny how life is.

I think we go into it thinking we have a say in the outcome.

Somewhere along the line I was under the impression I would grow up, have a career, retire and become a snowbird and all will be happy, go lucky and well with no issues because I was a child of God.

I was very WRONG!!

Our family at Disney
while the ex was away getting his drugs.

It's not really anything we can predict or imagine, especially for women like me who after 20 something years of marriage find ourselves near age 50, single, empty-nesters or single moms and over the coming months and years discover the man we had been married to was not at all who we thought he was, who he said he was or who people thought he was.

However, I have to ask myself... did I really know?

Did you really know something was up?

I'm a Gen-Xer, sorry for those of you of a different generation, we won't hold it against you; actually, wait, we will hold it against you because as a Gen-Xer it is my duty to dislike anyone who isn't us, a feral group of kids who grew up unparented, latch key, outside on bikes, no cell phone, would travel miles into the woods and many of us found ourselves showing each other things we should just be keeping to ourselves, yeah that's us and we are a little bitter towards everyone else.

I say all of that to give a bite of a background on me. Those early years formed a thread of adventure, independence and a taste for the flesh fueled sins I came to cherish.

Back to my marriage falling apart at 27 years 50 weeks and the question of did I actually know? 

Well to start, hindsight is 20/20 for sure. Looking back I see the clues. My ex was a drug addict, what ended with meth, started with Darvon, a pain pill from the 90's he would steal from his dad. I thought nothing of it, didn't realize it was a drug (silly, I know) and didn't know when or how much he was doing it. After birthing my boys, he would take my pain meds and brag about he and his buddies drinking beer and snorting those pills, again, I didn't see the wrong, I actually didn't give it much mind, I was too busy being a mom and doing all the things.

I started to dislike him for his drug abuse around 2007/2008 when he would pass out anytime he sat down. At first I believed that he had been working a bunch, then I knew it was more than that. It's kind of sad to see the pictures of family events because I would always take a picture of him passed out. He always told me I was sick and crazy for taking those pictures and never once addressed the fact that we were at Disney world with the entire family and there he is slouched over on the sofa.

Same Disney trip, this time he
was passed out in the room
& won't get up to join us
exploring the resort

I say all of that to say I think something deep down told me this was not good and I should run; I stayed. I wanted to keep my family together, I believed God could and would change him, I was hanging on by a thread and dying inside but knew God hated divorce and I wanted so desperately to make it work, so I stayed. 27 years to be exact, actually 6 months before the cops came that day and he left for good, I had left, moved into a battered women's shelter to get peace and clarity. It worked, that time was the best 5.5 weeks of my life, more to come in another post.

Do I regret staying? no

How can I? In all the mess of my life God has been faithful, he has loved me when I was unlovable and He has extended lots of mercy and grace in my life and it has been during the challenging seasons that my faith has grown. It's in the trials that he can be highlighted against the darkness of the pain.

From teen mom to adoptive mom, 

stay at home schooling mom to single working mom, 

I've survived cancer twice and like you read my marriage fell apart after 27 years and I had to start at $0 and zero job at age 46.

What I have learned and know that I know that I know, is that trusting God and His way, is the only way to live this life. When we do that, trust God and believe His Word, then whatever we are facing, can be a sweet part of the journey with you and God.

Well, until next time and remember, Jesus loves you and so do I.

xoxo

-Michelle

No one said it would be easy

Happy November, I've been absent for a very long time, why?

Well, I let my ex-father-in-law's words get in my head.

He told me I needed to stop acting better than everyone else, that I was bossy and judgemental.

And I believe him, or at least let his words run my blogging and writing world for far too long.

So I'm back.

I'm going to be sharing the struggle I am currently in and how good and marvelous and compassionate and caring God is. 

I'm divorced.

I knew my ex was a drug addict for a long time. That's how we connected actually, over him driving me to a pit (that's a gravel pit where rural kids go get drunk, have a bonfire and do things we will not say) to pick up my 4 pack of Mich Lite in a long-neck bottle. Yeah don't ask me how or why I decided that when I was gonna drink beer, which I hate, it would be Michelob lite in a long neck bottle; any whozel a party had been broken up by the cops and I had to flee leaving that said beverage behind, but I'm thrifty and knew I needed it. So that was hang out #1 with my ex and hangout #2 consisted of us getting high, off mary jane, behind an old farmhouse my parents had purchased for the land.

It would be July 9, 2019 that it was confirmed that my husband (at the time) was truly a drug addict when I found his pill vile with crystal meth in it. This was 3 weeks before my last chemotherapy treatment for breast cancer.

He denied then admitted it was indeed his.

Some days I think I should have kicked him out but I wanted to stay. I loved him and a Christian women I dearly wanted God to heal him, that he would put down the drugs and pick up a love for his family.

Why do we stay so long?

I've spoken with other women who knew something was up in their marriage but stayed. Cheating. Drugs. Gambling. You name it, so many women stick around for the sake of making it work, for the sake of a change coming. For me, it never did.

So as I step back into blogging I will be sharing my story.

Divorce gave me freedom, it gave me peace, it gave me sleep; it also gave me uncertainty and fear. I have many things to put down on paper.

Many things to share that I haven't be able to fear of repercusions in divorce court. I am not innocent in this mess of a movie marriage I was in for almost 28 years.

I did things I knew were wrong, I allowed things I knew were wrong.

So why ot share the story.

Share the journey that took me from a lost, scared 18 year old to here today a single mom trying to honor God with her life and make a difference for His Kingdom.

Thanks for being here.

xoxo

-Michelle  

Fight the Good Fight Michelle

I haven't updated in awhile mostly because I am not sure what to say in my update.

I don't really know what I am doing, so how can I properly share it with you all.
I am cancer free.
I mean no doctor has said it, but I had that pesky tumor removed on April 27th and since then the cancer has been gone.

It's the aftermath that I did not expect.
The aftermath of living with choices, new lifestyles, a changed social life.

My main goal has been to make my body an environment that is not encouraging cancer growth.
Eat lots of raw.
Juice lots.
Budwig protocol,
essiac tea.

Keep my body alkaline and not acidic.
Only drink water.
Not drink coffee.
Ugh.

It can be a lot.

No dairy.
No meat.
Watch the soy, not much if any.
No legumes.
No sugar.
ugh.

I find I just don't want to eat.
The prepping.
The prepping.
The prepping.

The food battle was one I didn't see coming and probably my biggest struggle.

It is a lot.
My peace begins to slip away...

it slips into the past

I didn't expect this battle in my mind over the past.
I ate too many sweets,
baked too much,
ate out too much,
too much ice cream
and milk
and cereal.
Oh how I loved to drink cows milk, and ceral, I loved cereal. Not anymore.

Then my mind loops to my boys.
I realize I fed all that to my boys.
My grown boys.
For years I did my best at what I knew to feed them.
Was I wrong all those years?

Then I got educated.
What if my lack of knowledge caused health issues with my kids.
Did I fail them?

I did my best.
I didn't know what I know now.
I can't think on the past, it changes nothing; it does no good.

Oh crap!
I just ate a cake pop,
and a piece of pecan pie,
and turkey,
and ... and...

And then after I work through the what I fed my boys saga, I get angry that no one was there to guide me.
Invest in me.
In a sense I was thrown to the wolves.
18, then 21.
Married with two kids. College drop out trying to doing the best for my family.
I always thought I did good, some days I wondered, no some days I convince myself I did them wrong.

Oh this battle in my head.
I call it out for what it is- all lies.
Lies to bring me down. Sadden my spirit. Focus my thoughts on the past.
But, lies.
Lies I know, but that doesn't soften their blow, when the hits come my way.

Then I think about the future... the forever.
Forever I will be a cancer survivor.
Forever I will think about what I put into my mouth, or don't.
Forever...

So nothing profound.
Nothing to educate you on healthy living.

Nothing because I have nothing much to give these days.
Again, I lift my head and trust in my God who created me and has a plan for me,
a good plan.
May that knowledge,
that truth be enough to sustain me this moment.

11/27/16
-Michelle

Manna 4 Lempira

Road to Mercedes, Lempira, Honduras

In June 2014 I visited a feeding center in Mercedes, Lempira, Honduras. I would forever be changed by the faces, smiles, laughs and reality I encountered that afternoon.


As we drove on the winding frontier roads local women carrying rice in their Dutch ovens got a covering of dust as we passed.

Make shift kitchen

After a time of games and fun those women set up kitchen on the stairway platform, serving 100 or so children a nutrient packed bowl of  rice from those Dutch ovens.

They ate it up and it did smell yummy.

The children used their fingers to scoop the rather yummy smelling meal into their mouths. Some images are best taken in your mind, I happen to also capture this one on my iPhone.

I now sponsor a girl from that town and church. For $15/month she is being fed that same meal at that same location where I sat 2 short years ago. I may have already met her.

I hope to officially meet her in January.
I could learn Spanish.

Outside the feeding center/church

To learn more about Manna for Lempira and to sponsor a child click here.

Want to help a Honduran child get school supplies?

Stayed tuned... or 
contact me asking about the Back Pack Campaign: helping send Honuran children to school.

Back Pack Campaign coming soon.