I had requested a sheriff come out to my house, I did not feel safe and I did not trust myself.
That morning I had discovered meth on my husband and then 30 minutes later found him curled up like a child on our tenant's bed, while she rubbed his head, it was sickening. I had suspected the relationship, they denied it, now I knew I was right.
Should have listened to my gut.
Oh that intuition, it really speaks volumes and most often the truth.
It's funny how life is.
I think we go into it thinking we have a say in the outcome.
Somewhere along the line I was under the impression I would grow up, have a career, retire and become a snowbird and all will be happy, go lucky and well with no issues because I was a child of God.
I was very WRONG!!
 |
| Our family at Disney while the ex was away getting his drugs. |
It's not really anything we can predict or imagine, especially for women like me who after 20 something years of marriage find ourselves near age 50, single, empty-nesters or single moms and over the coming months and years discover the man we had been married to was not at all who we thought he was, who he said he was or who people thought he was.
However, I have to ask myself... did I really know?
Did you really know something was up?
I'm a Gen-Xer, sorry for those of you of a different generation, we won't hold it against you; actually, wait, we will hold it against you because as a Gen-Xer it is my duty to dislike anyone who isn't us, a feral group of kids who grew up unparented, latch key, outside on bikes, no cell phone, would travel miles into the woods and many of us found ourselves showing each other things we should just be keeping to ourselves, yeah that's us and we are a little bitter towards everyone else.
I say all of that to give a bite of a background on me. Those early years formed a thread of adventure, independence and a taste for the flesh fueled sins I came to cherish.
Back to my marriage falling apart at 27 years 50 weeks and the question of did I actually know?
Well to start, hindsight is 20/20 for sure. Looking back I see the clues. My ex was a drug addict, what ended with meth, started with Darvon, a pain pill from the 90's he would steal from his dad. I thought nothing of it, didn't realize it was a drug (silly, I know) and didn't know when or how much he was doing it. After birthing my boys, he would take my pain meds and brag about he and his buddies drinking beer and snorting those pills, again, I didn't see the wrong, I actually didn't give it much mind, I was too busy being a mom and doing all the things.
I started to dislike him for his drug abuse around 2007/2008 when he would pass out anytime he sat down. At first I believed that he had been working a bunch, then I knew it was more than that. It's kind of sad to see the pictures of family events because I would always take a picture of him passed out. He always told me I was sick and crazy for taking those pictures and never once addressed the fact that we were at Disney world with the entire family and there he is slouched over on the sofa.
 |
| Same Disney trip, this time he was passed out in the room & won't get up to join us exploring the resort |
I say all of that to say I think something deep down told me this was not good and I should run; I stayed. I wanted to keep my family together, I believed God could and would change him, I was hanging on by a thread and dying inside but knew God hated divorce and I wanted so desperately to make it work, so I stayed. 27 years to be exact, actually 6 months before the cops came that day and he left for good, I had left, moved into a battered women's shelter to get peace and clarity. It worked, that time was the best 5.5 weeks of my life, more to come in another post.
Do I regret staying? no
How can I? In all the mess of my life God has been faithful, he has loved me when I was unlovable and He has extended lots of mercy and grace in my life and it has been during the challenging seasons that my faith has grown. It's in the trials that he can be highlighted against the darkness of the pain.
From teen mom to adoptive mom,
stay at home schooling mom to single working mom,
I've survived cancer twice and like you read my marriage fell apart after 27 years and I had to start at $0 and zero job at age 46.
What I have learned and know that I know that I know, is that trusting God and His way, is the only way to live this life. When we do that, trust God and believe His Word, then whatever we are facing, can be a sweet part of the journey with you and God.
Well, until next time and remember, Jesus loves you and so do I.
xoxo
-Michelle
No comments:
Post a Comment